Idi Amin Kidney Swap Plan Fails at Last Minute

17 Aug 2003 by Ross Bender

The former Ugandan dictator Idi Amin Dada has died in Saudi Arabia. Amin attended Eton, Oxford and the Yale Law School and served in the King's African Rifles under English colonial rule from 1946 until independence in 1962. After his rise to power in 1971 he maintained a keen interest in British cultural life and politics, volunteering to serve as King of Scotland and suggesting that the Queen send him her "25-year-old knickers" on the occasion of Her Royal Highness's 25th anniversary of her accession to the throne.

Languishing on life support in King Faisal Hospital in Jiddah, where he subsisted on a vegetarian diet of pita bread and hummus, Amin had in recent months been canvassing African heads of state to donate excess kidneys. "Where's the beef?" he had asked. "I may have a reputation for disgusting and unspeakable brutality, but I am retired now and I do enjoy a nice steak and kidney pie of an evening." Amin was renowned for cannibalism during his tenure as "Conqueror of the British Empire" and "Big Daddy Africa" in Uganda.

As recently as Friday, the Zimbabwean President, Robert Mugabe, had announced he would donate kidneys belonging to opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai to Amin. It was reported that Saudi Foreign Minister Prince Salad-al-din Ramsbottom was preparing to fly to Harare via Nigeria, where he planned to collect excess kidneys from former Liberian strongman Charles Taylor before continuing on to the Zimbabwean capital where opposition leader Tsvangirai is assisting police with their inquiries. Prince Salad-al-din Ramsbottom was recently implicated in the 9/11 plot which demolished the World Trade Center twin towers in New York City. US President George W. Bush had no comment on this.

"I visited Africa last month," Bush he said. "Nice little country. Had a nice hippopotamus steak in Uganda. At least I think it was hippopotamus."

US Vice-President Dick Cheney and Prince Philip will attend the state funeral in Jiddah.

North Korean Cheerleaders Occupy Yonsei University

29 Aug 2003 by Ross Bender

A squad of 310 gorgeous but muscular North Korean cheerleaders occupied Yonsei University in Seoul, South Korea today. The cheer squad of lissom yet dynamic females apparently slipped away from the annual University Games in the southern city of Daegu and travelled incognito to Seoul where they occupied positions in the Yonsei University Geology Department and showered riot police with rare specimens of Korean rocks.

The incident comes amid tense negotiations in Beijing, where delegations from eight nations have converged around an octagonal table to address the issue of North Korea's nuclear weapons. A tense but cordial atmosphere has thus far prevailed as North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, USA, Russia, Togo and Vanuatu, where the Duke of Edinburgh is worshipped as a god, opened talks Wednesday. It is not yet clear what impact the North Korean cheerleaders' action will have upon the summit, although North Korean Foreign Minister Lee Bum Suk opened today's sessions by denouncing US President George W. Bush as "scum" and "a bloodsucker."

The delicate but strong-limbed cheerleaders rained a shower of rocks down upon South Korean riot police, who clashed with left-wing Yonsei students chanting "All power to the people's state and to the Dear Leader", a veiled reference to the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, aka North Korea, and its president Kim Jong-Il. Right-wing students stayed beyond the police lines and chanted "North Korean cheerleaders you were trained from childhood to be concubines of the Dear Leader, now drop your pants and give us traditional Korean blowjobs!"

Response from the good-looking yet intense cheerleaders was immediate. "We got da bomb, yeah! We are da bomb, yeah! Stick your stupid heads up your traditional (South) Korean asses!" Spokeswomen for the cheerleaders, Ri Yu-gyong and Wang Yun-mi, told DeadBrain: "One-two-three-four, victory to the Peoples' War! Five-six-seven-eight, organize to smash the state!"

US President Bush, still vacationing in Crawford, Texas, commented: "I go for cheerleaders as much as the next head of state, but these skinny gals ain't got nothin' on our Aggies babes." The Aggies are the football team of Texas Agricultural and Methodist University.

The latest from the University Games themselves is that the North Korean athletes in Daegu are leading in the goose-stepping competitions.

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