***america's least reliable news source***

articles by Ross Bender

Idi Amin Kidney Swap Plan Fails at Last Minute

North Korean Cheerleaders Occupy Yonsei University

Power Outage Traced to Amish "Evangelistic Crusade"

Dead Disney to Challenge "Nazi Wuss" Schwarzenegger

Hindu Judge Refuses to Remove Sacred Cows from U.S. Court Building

U.S. Seeks Coalition, U.N. Aid in Deficit Crunch

Democrats Massacre Multiple Languages in Debate for Ethnic Voters

President Bush Has "Secret Plan" to Erase Budget Deficit

Former Lutheran Chinese Islamic Army Chaplain Arrested

Bush Suspects Leaking Leaker May Not Be Found

More Loony Right Wing Commentators Arrested

Rummy Proposes Exorcism Intelligence Agency to Fight Islam

High-Level North Korean Defector Describes Leader's Lurid Lifestyle

African Primates Denounce Gay Bishop

"Sissy Religious Left" Forms Clergy Leadership Network

Russia's Kyoto Rejection Causes Chain Reaction of Treaty Withdrawals to BC Era

Bush Announces Lunar Probe, but Claims "It's Not About Green Cheese!"

Michael Jackson Revealed as Bastard Son of Strom Thurmond

Bush Hails CIA Coup In Ottawa

Canuck Resistance to CIA Coup Stiffens; Rumsfeld Says No New Troops Needed

Howard Dean Emerges Two Inches Shorter After Debate

FDA Needs to Feel Out Breast Implants; Britney, Madonna Disappointed

Mars Orbiter Finds Evidence of Water Ice, Cheesesteaks in South Philly

Bush's Intelligence, Memory Lapses, Now Under Investigation

Cheney, Scalia, Ducks in Louisiana Love Tryst

France Considers Intervention in Haiti, New Orleans Chaos

Exclusive: Schwarzenegger Supports Alien Presidential Campaigns

Bush, Kerry Threaten To Air Secret Society Initiation Videotapes

Selective Service to Draft Arabic, Korean, Gay Linguists

Scalia Refuses to Recuse, Denies Orgy Rumors

Bush Finally Flips, Satirizes Self on National TV

Tyco Hung Jury Aftermath: My Big Fat Hairless CEO Free for Now

All Quiet on Mideastern Front; Bush Extends Vacation

Bush, Blair Compare Dental Records, Virile Members

Kerry Explains: "I'm Not Inconsistent, Just Nuanced"

Videos Allegedly Catch Cheney, Scalia Torturing Underage Ducks

Prices Rise Steeply in Mideast Bounties Market

Reforms at Abu Ghraib to Include Waterboarding, Bible Study

Kerry Interrogated, Admits He's French

Oil Prices to Drop After Khobar Attack

Bush Terrifies Aussie Opposition

Bush Genuflects, Becomes Catholic

Rumsfeld Enrolls Edwards, Gephardt, Dean in Summer Ghost Camp

Cheney F-Bombs Leahy, Spills Guts on Fox News

Bush Seeks Church Membership Records, Recipes

Kenneth Lay Pleads Ignorance, Stupidity, Alzheimer's

Bush Dumps Dick; Taps Mary, Jenna for Dual Veep Role

James Earl Jones Named CIA Chief

Teresa Heinz Kerry Tells "Dick" Cheney: "Sit on My Face!"

Colin Powell, Ahmed Chalabi Skipping RNC Bash

Survey: Seniors Jonesing for Canadian Fix

Anti-Terror Watch List Keeps Kennedy Off Planes

Bloomberg Retracts Offer of Free Hotel Rooms, Poppers, for Protestors

Condi Seeks to Improve Image, Badunkadonk

Questions Raised About Authenticity of Bush Diplomas, Birth Certificate

CBS Retracts Abu Ghraib Torture Story, Apologizes to Bush

North Korea Offers Nuke Talks, Cheerleaders

Pope Beatifies Charles I, Julia Roberts

Mick Jagger, Keith Richards Investigate Flu Vaccine Shortage

God Retracts Election Prophecy, Now Foresees Even Odds

French Peacekeepers Strafed in Ivory Coast; Bush Denies Responsibility

Opium Futures Up on Kabul Exchange; Rumsfeld Proclaims Victory in Afghan Drug War

Intelligence Revamp Glitch Leaves Nation "Temporarily Stupid"

Tennessee National Guard Troops Apologize to Rumsfeld; Will Dig Latrines as Penance

Rubber-Stamp Scandal Draws "Time-Out" For Rumsfeld

Harvard Prexy Slams Women's Anatomy, Math Skills

Mel Gibson Tapped for Papacy; J-Lo to Head Fed

North Korea Bombs Fukuoka, Tokyo Disneyland

Hunter S Thompson, Author, Dies Of Old Age

New Fed Head Warns Against Primatizing Social Security

White House to Host "Mission Accomplished II" Gala March 19th

Dem Senators Lambast New Fed Head Jennifer Lopez

High Court Orders Tom DeLay's Feeding Tube Removed

Bono "Pissed" At Losing World Bank Slot to Paul Wolfowitz

Billy Bob Thornton Blasts Activist Judges

UN Nominee Bolton to Undergo Anger Management Therapy With Jack Nicholson

Cardinal Carlin Refuses Communion to Rick Santorum

US Almost Captures Bin Laden; iPod Yielding Intelligence

FDA Bans Gay Sperm Donations

At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation

Rumsfeld Gives Order to Shoot Down Amish Aircraft

"More in Sorrow than Anger", Cheney Rips Howard Dean a New One

Downing Street Memo a Fake, Says Eminent Grammarian

Ahead of G-8 Summit, Chirac Disses British Cuisine

At Gitmo, Jennifer Lopez to Head Lap-Dancer Squad

Rumsfeld Renames "War on Terror", Calls For "Kinder, Gentler Struggle"

Pundit Robert Novak Joins "Dick" Cheney at Cussers Anonymous

Bush Meets With Cindy Sheehan, Offers Coke and Sympathy

American Economy Collapses, Killing Three in North Dakota

In German Deadlock, Schwarzenegger Offers a Solution

Pamela Anderson's Left Breast Accidentally Detached in Airport Security Mishap

Hurricanes Show God Loves White, Rich People Best, Say Theologians

Tom DeLay Only "Slightly Nervous" Over Prospect of Jail Time

St. Regis Bellhop Gets Subpoena in Plamegate Affair

Judy Miller "Can't Recall" Torrid Tryst at St. Regis

J-Lo "Pissed" At Losing Fed Slot to Bernanke

Latest Plamegate Bombshell: Woodward Under the Bed at St. Regis

Condi Visits Secret CIA Camps in Europe, Tells Brits to "Bugger Off"

Schwarzenegger Auctions Tookie's Penis, Kidneys to Balance California Budget

In Election Surprise, Iraqis Choose Jennifer Aniston

Alito "Can't Recall" Attending Princeton; "Sorta Remembers" Strip Searches of 10-Year-Old Girls

Polls Show Americans Welcome Domestic Spying, Torture

In Ongoing Hunt for Bin Laden, CIA Strike Destroys Canadian Town

Abramoff Only "Slightly Nervous" About Prospect of Jail Time

Scalia "Pissed" at Not Getting Invite to Cheney Quail Hunt

Supreme Court Sanctions Religious Use of Hallucinogenic Tea, Bourbon

God Sues "Da Vinci Code" Author for Plagiarism

Britney Spears to Author "Child-Rearing for Dummies"

Stone Age Tribe Leaves Amazon Jungle, Fleeing Linguists, Brangelina

Scientists Find Origins of Universe in J-Lo's G-String

Santorum Claims Iraq WMDs Found Up His Bum

In National Security Move, GOP Pushes Ban on Horse Slaughter


Profile : Ross Bender


Hindu Kush


Click here to visit Ross Bender's homepage


HOBBIES: Dice, vice, crazy women, and the Epistle to the Romans

FAVORITE BOOK: The Avatamsaka Sutra

FAVORITE COMPOSERS: Philip Glass, Laurie Anderson


ACADEMIC HONORS: Columbia University, Ph.D. in Love; Bob Jones University, D. Hon.; University of Waterloo, D. Min.

OTHER HONORS: Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society; Member, Academie Francaise; Order of the British Empire; Order of the Rising Sun

MILITARY: Lieutenant, Ret., Queen's African Rifles

FAVORITE QUOTATION: "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for a decent cheesesteak."

Table of Contents

Myersbriggs for Dummies


Doonesbury and the Sumerian Dingir

Rosannadanna of the Amish

Amos Stoltzfus, Amish Druid

THE SCIENCE OF COGNITIVE EVERYTHING -- Essays in Honor of the Lecturers in the Institute for Research in Cognitive Science, University of Pennsylvania, Friday Colloquium Series