North Korean Cheerleaders Occupy Yonsei University
Power Outage Traced to Amish "Evangelistic Crusade"
Dead Disney to Challenge "Nazi Wuss" Schwarzenegger
Hindu Judge Refuses to Remove Sacred Cows from U.S. Court Building
U.S. Seeks Coalition, U.N. Aid in Deficit Crunch
Democrats Massacre Multiple Languages in Debate for Ethnic Voters
President Bush Has "Secret Plan" to Erase Budget Deficit
Former Lutheran Chinese Islamic Army Chaplain Arrested
Bush Suspects Leaking Leaker May Not Be Found
More Loony Right Wing Commentators Arrested
Rummy Proposes Exorcism Intelligence Agency to Fight Islam
High-Level North Korean Defector Describes Leader's Lurid Lifestyle
African Primates Denounce Gay Bishop
"Sissy Religious Left" Forms Clergy Leadership Network
Russia's Kyoto Rejection Causes Chain Reaction of Treaty Withdrawals to BC Era
Bush Announces Lunar Probe, but Claims "It's Not About Green Cheese!"
Michael Jackson Revealed as Bastard Son of Strom Thurmond
Canuck Resistance to CIA Coup Stiffens; Rumsfeld Says No New Troops Needed
Howard Dean Emerges Two Inches Shorter After Debate
FDA Needs to Feel Out Breast Implants; Britney, Madonna Disappointed
Mars Orbiter Finds Evidence of Water Ice, Cheesesteaks in South Philly
Bush's Intelligence, Memory Lapses, Now Under Investigation
Cheney, Scalia, Ducks in Louisiana Love Tryst
France Considers Intervention in Haiti, New Orleans Chaos
Exclusive: Schwarzenegger Supports Alien Presidential Campaigns
Bush, Kerry Threaten To Air Secret Society Initiation Videotapes
Selective Service to Draft Arabic, Korean, Gay Linguists
Scalia Refuses to Recuse, Denies Orgy Rumors
Bush Finally Flips, Satirizes Self on National TV
Tyco Hung Jury Aftermath: My Big Fat Hairless CEO Free for Now
All Quiet on Mideastern Front; Bush Extends Vacation
Bush, Blair Compare Dental Records, Virile Members
Kerry Explains: "I'm Not Inconsistent, Just Nuanced"
Videos Allegedly Catch Cheney, Scalia Torturing Underage Ducks
Prices Rise Steeply in Mideast Bounties Market
Reforms at Abu Ghraib to Include Waterboarding, Bible Study
Kerry Interrogated, Admits He's French
Oil Prices to Drop After Khobar Attack
Bush Terrifies Aussie Opposition
Bush Genuflects, Becomes Catholic
Rumsfeld Enrolls Edwards, Gephardt, Dean in Summer Ghost Camp
Cheney F-Bombs Leahy, Spills Guts on Fox News
Bush Seeks Church Membership Records, Recipes
Kenneth Lay Pleads Ignorance, Stupidity, Alzheimer's
Bush Dumps Dick; Taps Mary, Jenna for Dual Veep Role
James Earl Jones Named CIA Chief
Teresa Heinz Kerry Tells "Dick" Cheney: "Sit on My Face!"
Colin Powell, Ahmed Chalabi Skipping RNC Bash
Survey: Seniors Jonesing for Canadian Fix
Anti-Terror Watch List Keeps Kennedy Off Planes
Bloomberg Retracts Offer of Free Hotel Rooms, Poppers, for Protestors
Condi Seeks to Improve Image, Badunkadonk
Questions Raised About Authenticity of Bush Diplomas, Birth Certificate
CBS Retracts Abu Ghraib Torture Story, Apologizes to Bush
North Korea Offers Nuke Talks, Cheerleaders
Pope Beatifies Charles I, Julia Roberts
Mick Jagger, Keith Richards Investigate Flu Vaccine Shortage
God Retracts Election Prophecy, Now Foresees Even Odds
French Peacekeepers Strafed in Ivory Coast; Bush Denies Responsibility
Opium Futures Up on Kabul Exchange; Rumsfeld Proclaims Victory in Afghan Drug War
Intelligence Revamp Glitch Leaves Nation "Temporarily Stupid"
Tennessee National Guard Troops Apologize to Rumsfeld; Will Dig Latrines as Penance
Rubber-Stamp Scandal Draws "Time-Out" For Rumsfeld
Harvard Prexy Slams Women's Anatomy, Math Skills
Mel Gibson Tapped for Papacy; J-Lo to Head Fed
North Korea Bombs Fukuoka, Tokyo Disneyland
Hunter S Thompson, Author, Dies Of Old Age
New Fed Head Warns Against Primatizing Social Security
White House to Host "Mission Accomplished II" Gala March 19th
Dem Senators Lambast New Fed Head Jennifer Lopez
High Court Orders Tom DeLay's Feeding Tube Removed
Bono "Pissed" At Losing World Bank Slot to Paul Wolfowitz
Billy Bob Thornton Blasts Activist Judges
UN Nominee Bolton to Undergo Anger Management Therapy With Jack Nicholson
Cardinal Carlin Refuses Communion to Rick Santorum
US Almost Captures Bin Laden; iPod Yielding Intelligence
At Newsweek, Ritual Suicides and Flagellation
Rumsfeld Gives Order to Shoot Down Amish Aircraft
"More in Sorrow than Anger", Cheney Rips Howard Dean a New One
Downing Street Memo a Fake, Says Eminent Grammarian
Ahead of G-8 Summit, Chirac Disses British Cuisine
At Gitmo, Jennifer Lopez to Head Lap-Dancer Squad
Rumsfeld Renames "War on Terror", Calls For "Kinder, Gentler Struggle"
Pundit Robert Novak Joins "Dick" Cheney at Cussers Anonymous
Bush Meets With Cindy Sheehan, Offers Coke and Sympathy
American Economy Collapses, Killing Three in North Dakota
In German Deadlock, Schwarzenegger Offers a Solution
Pamela Anderson's Left Breast Accidentally Detached in Airport Security Mishap
Hurricanes Show God Loves White, Rich People Best, Say Theologians
Tom DeLay Only "Slightly Nervous" Over Prospect of Jail Time
St. Regis Bellhop Gets Subpoena in Plamegate Affair
Judy Miller "Can't Recall" Torrid Tryst at St. Regis
J-Lo "Pissed" At Losing Fed Slot to Bernanke
Latest Plamegate Bombshell: Woodward Under the Bed at St. Regis
Condi Visits Secret CIA Camps in Europe, Tells Brits to "Bugger Off"
Schwarzenegger Auctions Tookie's Penis, Kidneys to Balance California Budget
In Election Surprise, Iraqis Choose Jennifer Aniston
Alito "Can't Recall" Attending Princeton; "Sorta Remembers" Strip Searches of 10-Year-Old Girls
Polls Show Americans Welcome Domestic Spying, Torture
In Ongoing Hunt for Bin Laden, CIA Strike Destroys Canadian Town
Abramoff Only "Slightly Nervous" About Prospect of Jail Time
Scalia "Pissed" at Not Getting Invite to Cheney Quail Hunt
Supreme Court Sanctions Religious Use of Hallucinogenic Tea, Bourbon
God Sues "Da Vinci Code" Author for Plagiarism
Britney Spears to Author "Child-Rearing for Dummies"
Stone Age Tribe Leaves Amazon Jungle, Fleeing Linguists, Brangelina
Scientists Find Origins of Universe in J-Lo's G-String
Santorum Claims Iraq WMDs Found Up His Bum
In National Security Move, GOP Pushes Ban on Horse Slaughter
Profile : Ross Bender
Location
Hindu Kush
Homepage
Click here to visit Ross Bender's homepage
Biography
HOBBIES: Dice, vice, crazy women, and the Epistle to the Romans
FAVORITE BOOK: The Avatamsaka Sutra
FAVORITE COMPOSERS: Philip Glass, Laurie Anderson
FAVORITE FEMALE VOCALIST: Britney Spears
ACADEMIC HONORS: Columbia University, Ph.D. in Love; Bob Jones University, D. Hon.; University of Waterloo, D. Min.
OTHER HONORS: Fellow of the Royal Geographical Society; Member, Academie Francaise; Order of the British Empire; Order of the Rising Sun
MILITARY: Lieutenant, Ret., Queen's African Rifles
FAVORITE QUOTATION: "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked, dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for a decent cheesesteak."
THE WISDOM OF CROWDS by James Surowiecki FOR DUMMIES
Doonesbury and the Sumerian Dingir