Polls Show Americans Welcome Domestic Spying, Torture

Jan 17 2006 by Ross Bender

In the latest round of Fox/CNN polling, a majority of Americans have expressed a strong preference for having government spy agencies listen to their private telephone conversations.

After it was revealed last month that the National Security Agency has been routinely listening in on American citizens' electronic communications, President Bush admitted that he had ordered illegal spying and that he intended to continue the popular covert program.

The latest polls show that 73% of those surveyed believe that the government should continue listening in to their cell phone conversations, read their email, and bug their living rooms. In addition, 66% hoped that the NSA, CIA and FBI would also read their snail mail, bug their bedrooms, and listen in on their conversations with the checkout clerk at the local supermarket, counseling sessions with clergy or psychiatrists, and consultations with the auto mechanic at their garage.

A surprisingly strong minority, 37%, hoped that the government would soon develop ways to monitor their brain waves and listen in on their sexual fantasies as well.

"As long as it helps in the Big Fat War on Terror, I'm for it," said pop idol Britney Spears. "Kev and I already videotape all our like, sexual intercourse anyway, and it would save us a lot of money if the CIA would pick up the tab for all that technology. I mean, like, what are we paying taxes for anyhow, know what I mean?"

Joffrey Ramsbottom, Professor Emeritus of Neurolinguistics and Glottopsychiatry at Hors D'Oeuvre State University, Louisiana says that, counterintuitively, Americans welcome "a listening ear."

"Having the government listen to their random chit-chat gives them a feeling of self-worth. It's like starring in your own reality show. Plus, knowing that your bedroom is bugged is a definite sexual stimulus for many people."

Ramsbottom, who helped conduct the poll, also observed that although only 28% welcomed actual torture at the hands of jackbooted CIA sadists, many citizens found the idea "kinda kinky" (37%) and said that they "might get off on being tied down and flagellated by an attractive torturer of the opposite sex." (41%)

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