In Ongoing Hunt for Bin Laden, CIA Strike Destroys Canadian Town

Jan 31 2006 by Ross Bender

An unmanned CIA predator drone yesterday destroyed the Canadian town of Montreal, killing several thousand civilians. Pentagon sources said the strike was aimed at Osama bin Laden, who was believed to be in the vicinity of the provincial capital.

In the quaint, largely French-speaking town, outraged Canadians took to the streets in angry, though polite protest against the "collateral damage." Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin, currently engaged in a tough re-election battle, said that he was "justifiably annoyed."

The air raid comes on the heels of the CIA demolition of the Pakistani border town of Damadola, where it was believed that al-Qaeda "Number Two" Ayman al-Zawahiri was attending a goat festival.

Canadian terrorist organizations such as Al Canuck and the Newfie Liberation Army vowed revenge. Montreal Mayor Gérald Tremblay, who speaks French, said through an interpreter "Zut alors! Nom d'un nom d'un nom d'un nom! When will ze CIA get its ass on backwards, merde! Everybody knows that Quebec City is the capital of Quebec, not Montreal. I fart in your general direction, you south of ze border Yankee scum!"

In Canada, states are known as "provinces," of which Quebec is one.

An unnamed CIA spokesman, Paul "Wolfie" Wolfowitz, who teaches probability statistics at MIT in addition to heading up the World Bank, said "You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, or 'ouefs,' as our good neighbors to the north might say. Sooner or later one of our rockets will take out bin Laden, and then what silly asses President Bush's critics shall look."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains