Abramoff Only "Slightly Nervous" About Prospect of Jail Time

Feb 16 2006 by Ross Bender

Jack Abramoff, prominent Washington lobbyist, restaurateur and good buddy of indicted Congressman Tom DeLay said he was "only slightly nervous" about the prospect of serving hard jail time after his guilty plea to charges of fraud, tax evasion and conspiracy to bribe public officials.

On the new Fox TV interview show "Meet the Indictees," Abramoff was asked by Britney Hume what he would do if approached by a "large black prisoner" asking for sex. Abramoff, a devout Orthodox Jew, said that he would trust in "the Almighty" and ask himself what Moses would do.

Hume, sucking his pencil and only slightly frothing, asked if Abramoff had heard rumors of homosexual sex in the federal prison system and whether he had any fear of a practice known as "cornholing."

Abramoff joked that he would definitely not "turn the other cheek," as Jesus Christ advised, but would try to bargain with the hypothetical prisoner using cigarettes, wampum, beads and matzo balls provided by the prison rabbi.

"I'm a pretty good negotiator," smiled Abramoff, adjusting his baseball cap.

Reminded by a drooling Hume that he had called native Americans "troglodytes and morons" in email with former aide Michael Scanlon, who is cooperating with federal prosecutors and was featured on last week's "Meet the Indictees," Abramoff said he didn't fear reprisals from "prisoners of color."

In one email, Abramoff told Scanlon he couldn't join him for a meeting because "I have to meet with the monkeys from the Choctaw Tribal Council."

"These knuckleheads have a pretty good sense of humor," Abramoff told Hume." I doubt if they'll hold a grudge. They're really too primitive to understand what went down. I'll just sell 'em some shares in this golf course I own in Scotland. That should keep the friggin' Neanderthals happy."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains