Scalia "Pissed" at Not Getting Invite to Cheney Quail Hunt

Feb 21 2006 by Ross Bender

Supreme Court Justice Antonin 'The Wop' Scalia is reportedly "pissed off" at not being invited to the quail hunt at the posh Texas ranch where Vice President 'Dick' Cheney shot a fellow hunter in the face.

"Frankly, I felt stiffed," said Scalia. "I mean, sure 'Dick' invited me to hunt ducks a coupla years ago in some low-rent Louisiana trailer park, but how come I didn't get asked along to hunt quails with the Whittingtons and the Armstrongs on the 50,000 acre dude ranch down in Texas? Seems like the Vice President has 'friends,' and then 'friends,' and I'm just a little hurt that I didn't make his A-list.

"I mean," Scalia continued, "I thought we were pals. What is it - my Italian heritage? My Mafia ties? Maybe all of a sudden he thinks I'm just some Dago greaseball? Hell, I was good enough for him when I fixed that little matter of the 2000 election."

A spokesman for Cheney who asked not to be named said that Justice Scalia was being "over-sensitive."

"Look, the Vice President can't take EVERYBODY along on these weekend getaways. And frankly, Scalia has this habit of bringing along jugs of cheap red wine when he does get invited, and singing Verdi arias at the top of his lungs when he's juiced. It spooks the quail. And he insists on bringing these hoods he calls bodyguards. Basically, Cheney doesn't like having a bunch of drunken 'goodfellas' along when he's trying to do some sophisticated fine-tuned bird-hunting.

"Plus, Scalia's taste in guns is just pathetic. He insists on lugging around this Bulgarian Shipka submachine gun - maybe it's OK for duck-hunting, but the Vice-President is very fussy about the kind of shotguns he uses on small birds and 78-year-old lawyers."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains