Supreme Court Sanctions Religious Use of Hallucinogenic Tea, Bourbon

March 6 2006 by Ross Bender

In a landmark decision, the US Supreme Court ruled unanimously that a small religious group had the legal right to use a hallucinogenic tea in its rituals intended to "connect members to God."

The little-known South American sect, O Centro Espirita Wahoo Wahoo, which has several dozen members in Arizona, imbibes the until-now illegal hallucinogen DMT, or dimethyltryptamine, in a specially brewed tea at Wednesday night prayer meetings which often last several months.

In its decision, the Court also found that the Holy Ghost Fire Baptized One and Only Church of the Pure True Faith, Say Amen! Hallelujah! Now Say It Again!, a small sect in the south of Texas, could legally use as much bourbon "as it takes" in its ritual weekend quail hunts. Vice President 'Dick' Cheney and Pamela Willeford, the US Ambassador to Switzerland and Liechtenstein, are founding elders of the group.

O Centro Espirita Wahoo Wahoo leader and Archidendrite Jose Gonzales Zico-Zico-Zico commented that he was gratified that the Supreme Court had finally legitimized their sacred practice.

"We tried to abide by the laws of the land, but hell, we found that drinking chamomile and sarsaparilla just didn't make it, man, you know what I mean? The whole point of our religion is to get members in tune with God, to experience highs, flips and epiphanies, to make that ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo, know what I'm saying? Herbal tea just doesn't do it, man."

Although the Court's decision was unanimous, it was tried without new Justice Samuel Alito on the bench. Justice Antonin 'The Wop' Scalia remarked in his opinion that he and 'Sammie the Fish' had been out drinking Paisano the night before to celebrate, which explained why Alito was under the bench, rather than on it.

Ross Bender's Deadbrains