Britney Spears to Author "Child-Rearing For Dummies"

May 18 2006 by Ross Bender

Pop pregnant teen-throb Britney Spears has reportedly received a $500,000 advance from Random House for her new book, to be titled Child-Rearing for Dummies: What Dr. Spock Didn't Tell You.

According to unnamed editors at her publisher, highlights of the new book will include detailed instructions on how to install car seats for kiddies, and how to sue the manufacturer when your high chair breaks and dumps your kiddie on his noggin.

Spears, a native of a south Louisiana trailer park, had no direct comment on the upcoming publication, but said in an interview that "Kev and I are, like, um, pretty expert on child-raising, what with having spent a whole eight months with Sean, and now another little 'un on the way.

"Also this book, if I really get around to writing it, will be one in the eye for that candy-ass Brangelina, who thinks she's so smart 'cause she goes around the world adopting colored chilluns. Hell, she ain't never had her own baby yet, have she? Wait till she feels them labor pains a-startin'. And I can't wait to see the photos of her all plumped up, too. She thinks she's so cool."

Angelina Jolie, on a UN mission to the Maldive Islands, commented through a spokesman that she would be perfectly willing to adopt Sean and Britney's new baby too, when the California child-care authorities finally take them away from their parents. She said further that she's looking forward to seeing Britney in a bikini after her second child arrives.

Ross Bender's Deadbrains