Stone Age Tribe Leaves Amazon Jungle, Fleeing Linguists, Brangelina

Jun 6 2006 by Ross Bender

A tiny group of primitive nomads calling themselves the Nukak-Maku wandered out of the Amazonian jungle in southern Colombia last month and declared themselves ready to join the modern world.

Their spokesman, a short man with a blowgun named Belisario, told former New York Times reporter Judith Miller "We no want go back. We stay near town, plant food."

Why this stone age tribe decided to leave their Amazonian enclave, where they have apparently lived for thousands of years, killing monkeys and gathering berries, was initially something of a mystery.

However, in subsequent interviews, Belisario, the only member of the tribe to speak English, gave this explanation:

"Look, we're fed up with being harassed by these fucking linguists, missionaries, anthropologists and National Geographic photographers, OK? I mean, it's getting pretty blasted difficult to be a self-respecting primitive Amazonian tribe anymore.

"Perhaps contrary to what you might expect, the life of an exotic stone age tribe is no bowl of cherries these days. If it's not the sleazy paparazzi hanging around taking pictures of our women's naked breasts, it's some damn anthropologist who wants us to show him how to blow hallucinogenic powder up his fucking nose.

"Then we heard that Noam Chomsky was planning to come this summer with 50 MIT Ph.D. students to study our language. Ever since the word got out that we can't count past three, we've been positively deluged with linguistic investigators. God, you'd think they'd never encountered a Stone Age tribe before. Then when they discover that our language has 57 distinct words for 'mud', it just blows their minds. They can't get enough of us.

"At first we were somewhat flattered by the attention, but really, it's gotten to be an awful drag, know what I mean? But the last straw was when we heard that that tiresome Angelina Jolie was heading here to adopt one of our little brown babies. Frankly, that was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak, and now we've decided to come out of the jungle, settle down, grow coca, and make a little dough."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains