Scientists Find Origins of Universe in J-Lo's G-String

Aug 7 2006 by Ross Bender

Physicists at the University of Georgia and elsewhere claim to have found the origins of the universe in the vibrating G-string formerly belonging to Jennifer Lopez, which was sold in June in an auction at Sotheby's for $1.7 million.

The vibrating G-string, which stunned scientists believe to be "remarkably long," although it is visible only through special 3D magic goggles, could be related to the "big crunch," which string theorists posit as the origin of matter, and perhaps even older than the "big bang."

Lopez, in a telephone interview, said "Ima like so astonished! If I'da knowed it was like THAT important I woulda held out for $2 million."

Angelina Jolie, recently deported from Namibia for "excessive brutality" by her private security forces during the birth of her first natural born child, Electric Owahoo "Brangelina" Jolie-Jolie-Pitt-Pitt-Pitt, immediately claimed that *her* G-string was in fact even longer, and vibrated at a higher frequency than that of J-Lo's.

Jolie dismissed Lopez as "that slutty quark" and hypothesized that her rival, well-known for the astonishing dimensions of her great bum, also possessed "fake bosons."

"Some of us are well aware," said Jolie-Jolie-Pitt-Pitt-Pitt, "that she acquired her bosons at a Wal-Mart in Rio de Janeiro. She probably picked up her so-called vibrating G-string at some cheap bodega in the Bronx."

Jolie-Jolie-Pitt-Pitt-Pitt is currently on a "victory lap" around the world, celebrating the birth of young Electric Owahoo. She has thus far adopted babies in the Maldive Islands, Uzbekistan, New South Wales, Azerbaijan and North Waziristan, naming them provisionally Billy Bob 1, 2, 3, and 4, "until I have a chance to sit down, catch my breath, and think up something more groovy."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains