Rummy Proposes Exorcism Intelligence Agency to Fight Islam

Oct 26 2003 by Ross Bender

In an internal Defense Department memo leaked to USA Today, Defense Secretary Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld has asked the question "Are there things we aren't doing that we might be doing?" and has answered it with an emphatic "Heavens to Betsy, yes!"

Having belatedly become aware that America is losing in the "war of ideas" with militant Islam, Rummy has proposed a new ultra top-secret agency to be headed by Lt. General William Boykin for investigating ways to combat militant Islam around the world with a combination of prayer vigils, exorcisms, and Sunday school picnics. Boykin, Undersecretary of Defense for Right Wing Christian Theology, is notorious for appearing at churches and prayer breakfasts in uniform and denouncing Osama bin Laden as Satan.

The new Ultra Ultra Top-Secret Office for Exorcism Intelligence would cost approximately $300 gazillion over and above the current Pentagon budget. Rummy emphasized that it would be completely independent of the National Security Agency headed by Condoleezza Rice, the President's National Security Advisor, whom the President recently designated to coordinate all intelligence efforts concerning Iraq. "Was I a little miffed when Bushy appointed that little Negro gal to do the work I should have been doing all along? Gosh, yes! Am I going to let that stand in the way of building my own personal intelligence empire in my head? Gosh, no!"

Boykin said in a statement: "Then I saw a beast coming out of the sea. He had ten horns and seven heads, with ten crowns on his horns, and on each head a blasphemous name. The beast I saw resembled a leopard, but had feet like those of a bear and a mouth like that of a dragon, dripping with blood, used condoms and all manner of vile fluids!" It is believed that this was a subtle reference to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, or possibly French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin.

President Bush, on a sex tour of Thailand, commented: "I'm a Methodist myself. Now how do you hold these little chopstick thangs?"

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