Santorum Claims Iraq WMDs Found Up His Bum

Aug 25 2006 by Ross Bender

During a tumultous debate over the Iraq war, Senator Rick "Ring-a-ding-ding" Santorum (R-PA) revealed on the floor of the Senate that the elusive Weapons of Mass Destruction had been discovered up his bum.

The WMDs, formerly claimed by the Bush Administration as grounds for invading Iraq, were never actually found in Iraq, said Santorum, for the very good reason that al-Qaeda had secretly lodged them in his anus.

"They were there all the time!" raved the Senator from the hill country of Western Pennsylvania, brandishing what he claimed to be top secret formerly classified documents from the Pentagon. "Da-yum! Who'd a thunk it? It's just that nobody never thought to look there."

Congressman Jack Murtha (R-PA), also from the Western Pennsylvania hill country, had speculated last week that the mysterious WMDs might in fact be stuck up the "big, fat backside" of White House advisor Karl "Turdblossom" Rove, but that the air conditioning in Rove's office had probably impeded his "movements" for several years.

In his impassioned speech, Santorum gesticulated violently, but frothed only a little; and claimed that al-Qaeda was going to hell, but a hell inhabited only by virgins who looked like Helen Thomas, the doyenne of the White House press corps. Thomas immediately responded that when Santorum got to heaven he might be disappointed that the celestial angels all looked like Ann Coulter's butt.

Senator Santorum faces a tough re-election challenge this November, as his poll numbers have dropped dramatically in Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and other civilized sectors of the state. His support, however, remains firm in central Pennsylvania where he is supported by a coalition of gun-nuts, right-wing Christians, apostate Mennonites, and Amish farmers.

Amish Bishop Yoney "Yoney" Hochstetler, interviewed in his manure field behind the barn, said "Ve Amish belieff dat God speaks through President Bush's mouth. Or maybe it vas his arschloch. Anyvays, ve don't vote."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains