Russia's Kyoto Rejection Causes Chain Reaction of Treaty Withdrawals to BC Era

Dec 10 2003 by Ross Bender

Andrei N. Illarionov, the top economic adviser to President Vladimir V. Putin, announced that Russia would not sign the Kyoto Protocol, an international agreement to limit fossil fuel emissions and greenhouse gases. The announcement set off the latest in a dizzying series of treaty withdrawals.

"We don't need no steenkin' limits on our gas emissions (cough, cough)," President Bush had said in a statement rejecting the Kyoto Protocol in 2001. "We got da bomb, we got da oil (hack, hack,) and ain't nobody gonna dictate to Texas what we (cough, cough) can explode or burn up (hack, hack) and when. If the rest of the world don't like what we doin' (cough, cough) to the atttymosphere (hack, hack, hack), doggone it, they kin jist find another doggone planet to move to (hack, hack)."

Bush has unilaterally withdrawn from the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, the International War Crimes Tribunal, the United Nations, and the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk. He has also asserted the Bushwhack Doctrine, that the United States will preemptively attack any nation which gets on the President's nerves to the extent that it makes him spill his bedtime cocoa.

International reaction to the Russian announcement was swift and furious. British Prime Minister Tony Blair unilaterally withdrew from the Yalta Pact and the Yorktown Treaty, reasserting control over the thirteen colonies. Argentina immediately sent troops to reoccupy the Falkland Islands.

The Lakota Sioux, the Navajo, Paiute and Pottawatomi Tribes renounced all treaties signed under duress with the United States. Iran formally withdrew from the Treaty of Miletus negotiated with Sparta in 412 BC, and in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolian Prime Minister Nambaryn Enkhbayar sent telegrams to China, India, Turkey and heads of state in Central Asia and Eastern Europe up to the gates of Vienna to announce that he had reinstated the rule of the Mongol Hordes.

In a statement Tuesday from the Pentagon, Paleolithic Man reasserted its domination over Neolithic Man. Also, Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld denied losing the Battle of Waterloo. "Were mistakes made? Goodness yes. Did we lose? Heavens no."

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Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite