Bush Announces Lunar Probe, but Claims "It's Not About Green Cheese!"

Dec 15 2003 by Ross Bender

President Bush announced plans for a renewed effort to put a US person on the moon, 100 years after the Wright Brothers' historic flight and three decades after the last American walked on the moon. In his spectacular "Kennedy moment" Bush addressed the nation in a bulky space suit from the Apollo 11 lunar landing module in the Smithsonian Institution.

"Muh fellow Amerkuns," said the President, "it time to fly to the moon once again. Now that the heathen Chinee have launched their first man in space, it nessary that Americans git to the moon first all over agin and stablish the nessary foundations fer peace and democracy up thar in the attymosphere. The Man in the Moon has been running a brutal, corrupt dictatership and we aim to destroy that brutal regime and bring truth, justice and the Merkun way to our good neighbor in space."

China recently launched its first manned space flight when "Taikonaut" Wang Yang Ming successfully orbited the earth.

Although the President did mention the possibility of finding some of "that thar nucular yellow Tastykake" under the lunar surface, he denied vehemently that it was "all about green cheese." "It not all about green cheese," he replied to reporters' questions. "Got plenty o' that right here in Texas. Beside bringin' peace and stability to the moon, we plan to establish a stepping stone for bringin' freedom and democracy to Mars. And it ain't all about Mars bars, neither."

Preliminary plans call for the establishment of a heavily fortified "green zone" in the Sea of Tranquility. The Halliburton Corporation and Yale Skull and Bones already have contracts to construct concrete bunkers and steel-reinforced sandbags around a two million acre area to be known as "the Ranch." At this point, NATO, the United Nations, and the European Union are "not invited" to help with the initial effort, although they may be given invitations if resistance is encountered from little green men with donkey carts.

Speculation is rife as to whether Cheney, Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, or Michael Jackson will have "first dibs" in participating in preliminary trial launches.

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