Michael Jackson Revealed as Bastard Son of Strom Thurmond

Dec 20 2003 by Ross Bender

The family of the late Senator Strom Thurmond has confirmed Michael Jackson?s claim to be the illegitimate son of the southern lawmaker and a chimpanzee named Jocko, which the Thurmond family kept as a pet during the 1950s.

Jackson was a frequent visitor to Thurmond?s Washington office during the late Senator?s career, and his complexion was said by experts to be "strikingly similar" to that of the segregationist lawmaker. DNA tests conducted by the White House Office of Embarrassing Relationships also confirmed the relationship.

The White House Office of Embarrassing Relationships was established during the last years of the Clinton Administration to catalogue semen stains from the former President and other high officials in the event of future paternity suits. In light of the latest revelation, several suits are expected to be filed by alleged offspring of the notoriously concupiscent President from Arkansas, including thirty-seven from trailer park residents in the Little Rock area.

Meanwhile Monica Lewinsky, Clinton?s most famous paramour, has denied that their union ever resulted in issue. "We never did it, like, um, that way -- you know? Um, you know, the way that makes babies? Just, um, you know, that other way, and he was always standing up so I?m really pretty sure I never actually got pregnant."

Recent historical research has established that former President Thomas Jefferson fathered at least one child with a family slave, Sally Hemmings, apparently establishing a precedent which has been more widespread than hitherto acknowledged. It is now known that Richard Nixon, with a Puerto Rican waitress, fathered a son who went on to found the pop group Menudo. Also, J. Edgar Hoover, who enjoyed dressing up in ladies? underwear, apparently repeatedly tried to become pregnant by his "good friend" Clyde Tolson.

Biblical researchers have known for some time that Abraham was the father of a child by his slave Hagar, and it is even speculated that seventy percent of current world leaders, including Ariel Sharon, Osama bin Laden, Kofi Annan, Queen Elizabeth II, and the Emperor of Japan are descendants of that illicit union.

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