Chretien is being held in a secret location; Mr. Bush would say only that "we'll prolly give the little Frenchie a taste of Camp X-Ray after he's had a few sleepless nights and asked him a few questions. We had Army doctors examine his rectum to make sure he wasn't harboring any weapons of mass destruction."
Visible signs of change in Canada were few during the busy holiday shopping season, although several statues of General Isaac Brock were toppled by celebrating American tourists. (Brock is the Canadian war hero who defended the country against a US invasion in the War of 1812.) The new Canadian Ministry of Education, to be directed by US Defense Secretary Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld, will rewrite Canadian history books to reflect that the American invasion was in fact a success, as US textbooks already demonstrate. English will become the official language and in a "No Canuck Child Left Behind" initiative, natives of Quebec will be learned good English.
The new puppet administration of Paul Martin is expected to reflect strong support for US war aims in Iraq and less support for same-sex marriage and decriminalization of marijuana. Also, Canada will send an annual tribute of 5000 Native Canadian virgins to be employed as concubines in the US Senate. Halliburton Corporation and Yale Skull and Bones will be given exclusive contracts to reconstruct the largely underdeveloped nation, and the Tim Horton donut chain will be renamed "Dick Cheney's."
President Bush emphasized that "It not about the oil. It about freedom and democracy and also the right of our good neighbors to the north to not have to speak that awful French language no more."
Even as the President spoke, bomb blasts were heard in Montreal. The Al Canuck terrorist organization, headed by Osama bin Leveque, claimed responsibility.