FDA Needs to Feel Out Breast Implants; Britney, Madonna Disappointed

Jan 12 2004 by Ross Bender

The Food and Drug Administration announced today that it will put off its decision on whether silicone breast implants will be permitted back onto the retail market. This was a surprise reversal of its 9 to 6 recommendation several months ago to reintroduce the artificial mammaries to United States buyers and a blow to the aspirations of teenage American girls, teenage American boys of all ages, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleader squad, Madonna and Britney Spears.

"Ish a traveshty," mumbled Ms. Spears, still recovering from the effects of her recent 55-hour surprise marriage to a boyhood friend and a reportedly wicked hangover. "I mean, ish the God-given right of all perky young American girls to ashpire to be all they can be, and that means the biggest boobs they can handle." Her on-again off-again husband, Jason Allen Alexander, concurred. He refused, however, to divulge whether he and Ms. Spears had actually consummated their marriage, specifically during their viewing of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre in a Las Vegas hotel room.

Madonna, another virginal pop diva, agreed with Ms. Spears. "It's the American way," she said. "Life, liberty and the pursuit of extremely big titties. The Founding Fathers wanted it that way." Madonna has recently sent out fund-raising letters on behalf of Generalissimo Wesley Clark, the Democratic Presidential candidate, endorsing his efforts to 'reach' American women. In a current letter she announces her firm support for Clark "not only as a celebrity but as an American citizen and a mother with huge tracts of land."

Dr. Dan Schultz of the FDA stated that "We need more information, a better picture, if you will, of the female American breast before we can fully approve these silicone jugs. To that end, Dr. David Feigal and I are considering a wide variety of studies over the next few years. It actually may take us awhile before we can really come to a firm, smooth scientific conclusion, one with extremely robust results."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan stated only that President Bush was "looking into" the issue.

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