France Considers Intervention in Haiti, New Orleans Chaos

Feb 23 2004 by Ross Bender

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin, Justice Minister Dominique Perben, and Minister of State for Action Against Social Insecurity and Exclusion Dominique Versini announced today that France was closely monitoring the situation in strife-torn Haiti, as well as New Orleans, where the countdown to Mardi Gras is underway.

The popular "Three Dominiques" have set up a special intelligence unit to monitor developments in Haiti, where a violent revolt against President Jean-Bertrand Aristide has been spreading, and the Mardi Gras celebration, where drunken women traditionally bare their breasts, which is expected to be particularly salacious this year in light of Janet Jackson's celebrated Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction.

Cheri Beauregard, President of "Les Desmoiselles de Bourbon Street," commented: "Janet kinda raised the bar, if you know what I mean. We've been wracking our brains and beating our breasts to come up with something that will preserve the traditional excitement here at the Mardi Gras. Goes without saying that girls here won't be wearing pasties; also, don't quote me, but I expect there's gonna be a lot more bush and bottom baring this year."

New Orleans remains one of the last outposts of French culture in the continental US, and Haiti gained its independence from France in 1804. Still, France maintains military bases in the Caribbean islands of Martinique and Guadeloupe, and the Three Dominiques pointed out that they could have paratroopers in Haiti and New Orleans within hours.

The French offer of peacekeeping troops comes at a time when Franco-American tensions are already extremely sensitive, due to French refusal to participate in the Iraq war on the American side. President Bush, on a tour of National Guard units in Louisiana (where he may or may not have served during the Vietnam War), stated: "Folks don't realize this, but during 'Nam we National Guards was busy protecting Alabama 'gainst the Frenchies. Them Dominiques stick their tits inta Nawlins, gonna get 'em caught in a big fat wringer."

Minister of State for Action Against Social Insecurity and Exclusion Dominique Versini is in fact a well-endowed woman.

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