Exclusive: Schwarzenegger Supports Alien Presidential Campaigns

Feb 27 2004 by Ross Bender

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he would support a constitutional amendment allowing naturalized American citizens to run for the Presidency. Currently, Article Two of the United States Constitution provides that only "natural born" US citizens are eligible. However, it establishes no English proficiency test for candidates for the office.

"It very terrible iss," Schwarzenegger said, speaking through an interpreter at the National Governors Conference, "das die Aliens not fur President gerunnen kann." He pointed out that former Secretaries of State Henry Kissinger and Madeline Albright are foreign-born, which deprives them of the right to seek Presidential office, despite their great contributions to the nation. "Und Superman also vas on another planet geboren. Chust think - vouldn't he haff a gut President gemacht?"

Reporters pressed the Governor on the issue of whether felons should be allowed to run for President, noting that he still faces possible charges of inappropriately touching several women while pumped up on schnapps and hashish during his weightlifting days. "Ach ja, so maybe I accidentally in the past some ladies malfunctionized," Schwarzenegger responded irritably, "but you don't see policemen in the jail Timberlake geputten."

The question of alien eligibility takes on new urgency with the recent discovery of water ice and other possible conditions for life on Mars. Current opinion polls show Martians, Venusians, and several Democrats leading Bush by wide margins.

Closer to home, the Bush Administration is said to be more concerned about threats from the massive Canadian "Fifth Column" - enormously popular Canadian citizens now living and working in the United States. After a White House screening of "The Matrix Reloaded" last year, the President reportedly tied himself into a pretzel trying out some of Keanu Reeves' stellar kung fu moves. Rumors that the President then choked on himself have been vehemently denied.

After being informed that Reeves is a Canadian citizen, Bush ordered a list of "dangerous Canadian aliens" to be compiled. Although there is as yet no sign of a "Draft Neo" movement, the Administration is keeping a wary eye on Bachman-Turner Overdrive, the Crash Test Dummies, and the Barenaked Ladies.


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