Bush, Kerry Threaten Each Other with Secret Society Initiation Videotapes

Mar 11 2004 by Ross Bender

As the furor over the President's use of vivid scenes from the 9/11 disaster as backdrops for TV campaign ads has partly cooled, unnamed spokesmen in the Bush/Cheney campaign hint that the next round of ads will feature George W. Bush (Yale '68) in a black wizard's hat atop The Tomb, the eerie windowless mausoleum that serves as headquarters for Yale Skull and Bones. Skull and Bones is the undergraduate secret society which Fortune Magazine ranks just below the Illuminati, Halliburton, and the Priory of Sion on its top-ten list of international conspiracies.

The sources also say that the campaign has come into possession of videotapes of John Kerry's (Yale '66) initiation into Bones. The potentially damaging footage purportedly shows Kerry lying naked, except for a thick layer of chartreuse lipstick, in the coffin of Elihu Yale, rhythmically masturbating and singing in medieval plainchant "F***, me Bulldogs, f*** me hard, oh yes, oh yes!"

The bulldog is Yale's mascot; the Bulldogs are its football team. The University is named after Elihu Yale, an early donor and stone racist honky bastard. His portrait, in Woodbridge Hall, depicts a Negro slave in silver collar and metal chain kneeling at his feet.

However, unnamed and unnameable sources in the Kerry campaign immediately retorted that if Bush aired the videotapes in question, Kerry would hit back hard with tapes of Bush's initiation ceremony, which purportedly show the President, naked except for a lacy black push-up bra, bending over and holding a tube of Vaseline while being flagellated by the Devil.

William Sloane Coffin, former CIA officer and Chaplain at Yale during the 1960s, was also Lord High Poobah and Grand Sachem of Skull and Bones during that turbulent decade. He has warned both sides in the Presidential campaign to "Keep it clean, or else."

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