Selective Service to Draft Korean, Arabic, Gay Linguists

Mar 17 2004 by Ross Bender

Selective Service System spokesman Richard Flahavan said today that planning has begun for a "special skills" military draft of linguists with experience in such exotic languages as Arabic, Korean and Gay.

Flavahan said that mass conscription was unlikely, but that skilled linguists were desperately needed to fight the continuing Big Fat War on Terrorism. Selective Service classifies a "linguist," derived from the Latin word for "fellatio," as a specialist with particular facility in the use of the tongue.

He noted that one reason the military was experiencing a dearth of competent linguists was Defence Secretary Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld's policy of firing Army language specialists who happen to be homos. In the infamous "Saturday Night Live Massacre" on November 16, 2002, nine United States Army linguists, including six fluent in Arabic, were fired when discovered "socializing" after hours at the Defence Language Institute in Monterey, California, the military's primary language training center. In addition to Arabic, the homosexual linguists were fluent in Korean, Mandarin Chinese, and Gay.

Rumsfeld defended the firings at a press conference in 2002, saying that, "The Big Fat War on Terrorism is a subtle, how shall I say it, 'nuanced' war, and to have personnel engaging in really disgusting acts involving leather thongs, spiked high heels, KY lubrication jelly, dildos, and, oh, you know, 'whips,' and also enemas, severely limits the ability of the buff, manly fighting force to, like, do its thing."

In the recently released Rumsfeld Diaries, Donnie admits to a dalliance with then Dictator and Dominatrix Saddam Hussein in the runup to the war in Iraq, but insists they were "just good friends."

On Capitol Hill, Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) has introduced a bill that would reinstate the draft. "We all know," said Rangel, "that in a so-called volunteer army, minorities suffer disproportionately. In my bill, all men, including all them honky faggots, would be drafted and treated equally." Openly gay Representative Barney Frank, Democrat and Homosexual of Massachusetts, echoed Rangel's sentiments. "Oh, my yes," he simpered.

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