Scalia Refuses to Recuse, Denies Orgy Rumors

Mar 22 2004 by Ross Bender

In an unprecedented 21-page memorandum, Supreme Court Justice Antonin "The Wop" Scalia presented a vigorous defense of his January duck-hunting trip with Vice President "Dick" Cheney in Louisiana. The memo denies that he could have been "bought so cheap" and claims that his longtime friendship with Cheney will not influence him when the Vice President appears as a defendant before the high court in April.

Scalia also forcefully refutes charges that he was in any way intimately involved with Cheney in the three-day non-orgy that has shocked the nation. He stated, "Sleeping was in rooms of two or three, except for the Vice President, who had his own quarters. Also, in the rooms of two or three, we all had our own bunks and sleeping bags. Cheney was the big guy, so he had his own room, and his Secret Service boys wouldn't let anybody sneak down the hall after midnight, if you get my drift."

In the lengthy memorandum, Scalia cites numerous historical instances of Supreme Court Justices fraternizing with members of the Administration. For example, Justice John Marshall Harlan and his wife used to sing hymns at the White House with President Rutherford B. Hayes. Chief Justice Earl Warren used to swim naked in the White House pool with John F. Kennedy and his female physical therapists.

Scalia also scoffed at lurid rumors of sexual intimacy with underage ducks in the course of the three-day non-orgy. "If it is reasonable to think that a Supreme Court justice would actually have sex with a plump, tender, young jailbait duckling, even one who wanted it really bad," Scalia wrote, "the nation is in deeper trouble than I had imagined."

Scalia also propounded a novel theory of government, saying that it was important that a president have the power to appoint his close friends to the Supreme Court, in case his son needs help in the case of a disputed election.

In the case which comes before the Supreme Court in April, Cheney is accused of letting his good friend Kennie "Layla" Lay, formerly of Enron, dictate Administration energy policy.

For further reading -- Cheney, Scalia, Ducks in Louisiana Love Tryst

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