Tyco Hung Jury Aftermath: My Big Fat Hairless CEO Free for Now

Apr 6 2004 by Ross Bender

A hung jury in the Tyco case has resulted in former chairman and CEO L. Dennis Kozlowski's freedom to go out and debauch himself again, at least for the moment.

The sensational case that shocked the nation saw accusations that Kozlowski, who is fat and bald, had diverted company funds to pay for a $2 million birthday party for his wife, among other things that he hoped would compensate for his girth and hairlessness.

The lavish birthday party in question was staged on the grounds of the Hotel Cala di Volpe on the island of Sardinia, where the golf course was turned into a Roman-themed stage set modeled on Fellini's Satyricon. Buff, muscled naked gladiators performed cunnilingus on the female guests in a drunken orgy around an ice statue copied from Michelangelo's David, correct in every anatomical detail and featuring a gigantic penis which spurted vodka into crystal glasses. Mrs. Kozlowski's birthday cake, in the shape of a female body with firecrackers exploding from the breasts, covered half an acre on the exclusive resort hotel grounds.

Despite viewing explicit videos of the party, the jury, which consisted of eleven well-hung men and one little old lady, failed to convict, and the judge ordered a mistrial. The trial attracted national attention, shock, and horror when the little old lady reportedly mooned the courtroom from the jury box and repeatedly gave high-fives to the defense team as she sauntered salaciously into the hearing.

Judge Michael Obus, the handsome and witty judge in the case, has not yet scheduled a new hearing for Kozlowski. He released the hung jury so they could get on with an important round of television interviews and appointments with their agents to write best-selling books about the trial and their experiences in the jury box.

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