All Quiet on the Mideastern Front; Bush Extends Vacation

Apr 13 2004 by Ross Bender

In light of the positive news from the Big Fat War in Iraq, President Bush has decided to extend his vacation at his Crawford, Texas ranch at least until Memorial Day and possibly through the summer.

Declaring that events in Iraq are "going just swell," the President spent his Easter vacation hunting "armadoodles and chocolate bunnies" and falling off his golf cart.

In new, positive, developments in the previously strife-torn Mideast, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon invited Yasser Arafat to share a Passover seder in Tel Aviv. Arafat left his security guards and Uzi at home in his bomb-cratered headquarters in Ramallah and toasted the Israeli leader, saying "Next year in Jerusalem!"

Black-clad Shiite militiamen loyal to Mustafa Moussawi al-Khazali al-Badr al-Sadr invited seven Korean missionaries to an interfaith dialogue, and both groups reported afterward that "Jesus was some awesome plophet [sic]!" South Korea plans to send a force of 3,000 Presbyterian mission workers to teach Sunday School in the holy city of Najaf.

In Falluja, Sunni guerrillas asked Japanese hostages to stage an elaborate Noh drama in celebration of Al-Abaeen., the Shiite holiday celebrating the fortieth day of the torture of 7th-century Imam Hussein. Japan's constitution prohibits the sending of military troops abroad, and after massive demonstrations in Tokyo over the weekend, Prime Minister Koizumi decided to send in the Kabuki instead.

Bulgarian and Ukrainian troops withdrew from the cities of Kut and Karbala in the south to give them some much needed rest and recreation in Kiev, and to permit black-clad Shiite militiamen to take their turn at peacekeeping in the beleaguered cities.

In other news, unknown Muslim guerrillas captured several American "civilian" hostages, employees of the paramilitary mercenary force Blackwater, Inc. Blackwater fields a force of approximately 20,000 "civilian contractors" in Iraq, many of them ex-Navy Seals and all of them with bulgy muscles and armed to the teeth.

Presidential hopeful John Kerry, conceding that the war will no longer be an issue, is taking a brief sabbatical at Yale Divinity School to study Augustinian theology and the position of the Catholic Church on abortion.

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Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite