Videos Allegedly Catch Cheney, Scalia Torturing Underage Ducks

May 5 2004 by Ross Bender

Al-Jazeera and the Disney Channel today aired shocking videotapes from the alleged January orgy involving Vice President "Dick" Cheney, Supreme Court Justice Antonin "The Wop" Scalia, and a bevy of underage ducklings in Louisiana.

The footage of the alleged torture and humiliation of the ducklings sent shock waves of outrage throughout the Arab world and France. President Bush stated: "In no uncertain terms, this does not reflect the nature of the American people. That's not the way we do things in Texas. I didn't like it one little bit. Heh.''

Queen Mother Barbara Bush added: "Why should we hear about body bags, and deaths, and the abuse of underage ducks? Or, I mean, it's, it's not relevant. So, why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"

The alleged videos depicted the Vice President and Justice Scalia in apparently real and simulated sex acts with each other and twenty-seven mallard ducklings. In the background, Secret Service officers can be seen attempting to stifle their laughter. Some of the explicit shots depicted simulated lesbian and anal sex and were deemed "too distressing" to be shown on the Fox Network, which ran Daffy Duck cartoons instead.

At the Supreme Court, Justice Scalia commented: "It wasn't twenty-seven, it was twenty-six. Quack quack." Vice President Cheney immediately went on the offensive, accusing putative Presidential candidate John Kerry of raping water buffaloes in Vietnam.

Attorney General John "Darth Vader" Ashcroft has launched a probe to determine who released the videotapes to the media. "We will bring these disgusting photographers to justice and give them a little taste of Camp X-Ray. There they might be tormented with electric prods, and probably some of the guards will want to urinate on the naked bodies of these enemies of the American people."

In a rapid but nuanced response, John Kerry accused the President of being a Methodist and of raising calves for a 4-H project when a Boy Scout in Texas. A spokesman for the Kerry campaign declined to say whether it will release videotapes of the 17-year old Bush having his way with the heifers.

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