Reforms at Abu Ghraib to Include Waterboarding, Bible Study

May 18 2004 by Ross Bender

Following on the revelations of torture, humiliation, sodomy, rape, and really overbearing behavior towards Arab prisoners at Abu Ghraib, Secretary of Defense Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld has announced sweeping reforms.

Effective immediately, preparations will begin on a summer camping program at the notorious site of sadism, cruelty, bad attitudes and naughty teasing on the part of American troops. Inmates will be moved to a tent city in the desert surrounding the notorious prison, which had been Saddam Hussein's personal torture chamber under the bad old regime.

In the new "Camp Redemption," prisoners, now to be officially designated "happy campers," will enjoy the fresh air, warm summer breezes and gentle, caressing sandstorms of the Iraqi summer. Inmates will be lodged in canvas tents, rather than the bloody, mucous- and semen-stained stone walls of Abu Ghraib itself, where Saddam Hussein raped, tortured and forced prisoners to sodomize themselves with bananas.

The day will begin at six am sharp with Bible studies led by Pat Robertson, who is donating several months this summer for his new "Ministry to Muslims." Guest Bible study teachers will include Jerry Falwell, Oral Roberts, and Franklin Graham. Head Camper General Geoffrey Miller has appointed Undersecretary of Defense for Right Wing Christian Theology Lieutenant General William Boykin to lead a special series on the book of Revelation.

After a hearty breakfast of bacon and sausages, campers can look forward to a full menu of sports and crafts activities, including the traditional CIA team game known as "waterboarding," in which one side straps the other to a board and "dunks" them in a pool of water until they are almost dead but not quite. Mel Gibson first popularized the event in the film "Conspiracy Theory," a big hit at movie night in the old Abu Ghraib, and campers are said to be looking forward enthusiastically to the games.

Other sports will include sand-surfing and sand castle building. In a rare treat for the campers, Japanese landscape designers will instruct a select group in the art of traditional Japanese rock and sand garden design.

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Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite