Kerry Interrogated, Admits He's French

May 27 2004 by Ross Bender

In a shocking videotape aired on the Fox Network this week, John Kerry is seen seated in front of five hooded House Republicans declaiming the works of Racine and Corneille in perfect French.

The glassy-eyed putative Presidential nominee is heard to say "Oui, c'est vrai [Yes, it's true], my grandmother was a Huguenot, and I am a cheese-eating, snail-munching French monkey." When interrogators ask who his favorite French poet is, Kerry replies "Rimbaud," then quickly flip-flops and names Baudelaire.

The tape continues for approximately seven hours, during which Kerry recites works of Lacan and Derrida, and summarizes Proust in a Breton accent. During the ordeal, several of the House Republicans apparently drop off to sleep and do not awaken until Pfc. Lynndie England, clad only in a thong and surgical gloves, appears and gives the thumbs up signal.

In other campaign news, Big Fat Chickenhawk and House Republican Leader Dennis Hastert has denounced Senator John McCain for "sitting out" the Vietnam War in the luxury of the Hanoi Hilton. Hastert hinted that the Republican Attack Machine (RAM) has videotapes of Jane Fonda fellating McCain in his Hanoi suite. Hastert was granted a draft deferment during the war on grounds of obesity.

Polls continue to show Americans losing confidence that "things are just hunky-dory," although inexplicably President Bush continues to be personally popular. In the latest CNN/FOX/DISNEY poll, only 31 percent of Americans believe that "things are going just swell." However, Bush himself is "wildly popular" among 78% of those polled.

Democratic Party analysts attribute this anomaly to the resolute and steadfast Bush ad campaign. In the latest round of TV infomercials, Bush is shown at Iwo Jima, Pork Chop Hill, and personally driving off bestial North Vietnamese attackers at the old imperial city of Hue during the Tet Offensive.

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