Bush Terrifies Aussie Opposition

Jun 5 2004 by Ross Bender

In a press conference with Australian Prime Minister John Howard at the White House, President Bush soundly tongue-lashed Australian opposition leader Mark Latham.

"Y'all billabongs got no gonads. Ah hear Mistah Latham is considering 'pullin' out' of Ay-raq if'n he gits elected. Now 'pullin' out' is not sumthin us Leaders of the Free World does, ah kin tell y'all that for free. Like the Scripture says, Onan 'pulled out,' din he? He spilled his seed upon the ground and the Lord done smacked him up against the head right proper. Heh. So you kin jist remind your Mr. Labor Leader Latham that we gots two nucular aircraft carriers cruisin' fer a bruisin' out there in the Pacific of Ocean, an' ah kin ride my personal jet-fighter over there quicker'n you kin say 'Waltzin' Matookie.' Case closed, pardner."

The President then demonstrated several kangaroo-style kick-boxing moves to the astonished White House press corps, before aides removed him to the black helicopter waiting to take him to Italy to visit the Pope.

Prime Minister John Howard of Australia is no immediate relation to Michael Howard, leader of Great Britain's Conservative Party, although the Prime Minister is allegedly descended from an Arthur Fotheringay Huxtable Howard, who was transported to Botany Bay in the 18th century after being convicted of public lewdness in Covent Garden.

A spokesman for the Conservative Party stated that Michael Howard is "most assuredly not related to his Australian, erm, counterpart. Michael comes from a long line of the Shropshire Howards, don't you know."

Bush's terrifying words followed a mutual suckholing with the Australian Prime Minister during the Rose Garden ceremony, during which the President assured him that two Australian prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, David Hicks and Mamdouh Habib, were being treated "jis hunky-dory." They have been suspended by their heels at Camp X-Ray for approximately two years.

Bush again demonstrated his remarkable knowledge of the Hebrew Scriptures in his quotation from Genesis 38. The spiritual leader Onan, who incurred God's wrath, has given his name to the modern practice of coitus interruptus, or onanism, sometimes confused with masturbation.

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