Rumsfeld Enrolls Edwards, Gephardt, Dean in Summer Ghost Camp

Jun 21 2004 by Ross Bender

Secretary of Defense Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld today ordered the detention of several potential Democratic vice-presidential candidates in the Pentagon's "Ghost Detainees" program.

The Secretary announced at a news conference that "Yes, we have John Edwards, Richard Gephardt and Howard Dean in a safe place. They are being treated humanely. There's no implication of any problem."

Rumsfeld refused to specify the precise location of the detainees, although when reporters asked if the Democrats were being held at Abu Ghraib, he responded, "They are not there now. They have never been there to my knowledge." Asked if they were at Camp Cropper, Camp Redemption, Camp X-Ray, or Camp Granada, the Secretary shook his head and said "You're getting cold."

Army Major General Antonio Taguba, who filed a report in March on abuses at Abu Ghraib, criticized the practice of "ghost detention," saying that it was "deceptive, contrary to Army doctrine, and in violation of international law."

Asked how the case of the vice-presidential candidates differed from the policy criticized by General Taguba, Rumsfeld replied, "It is just different, that's all. Plus, Edwards and the others are allowed to wear clothes at all times, and we do not require that they stick their fingers up their anuses and lick them. Nor are they compelled to masturbate in front of female interrogators."

Immediately following the press conference, President Bush took the microphone to praise the Secretary of Defense, saying "Mah negro doing a fabulous job. He *my* Secretary, dawg. He *mah* bitch."

The President also took the opportunity to deny persistent rumors that he was acting irrationally and demonstrating severe mood swings. "I am resolute and ah am confident. Heh. Say Amen somebody! Thangs are going jis hunky-dory. I talk to God the Father every evening and have breakfast with Jesus Christ. We gen'rally have sixteen grapefruits, a dozen margaritas and thirty-two lines of prime Colombian coke. And this Holy Ghost detention program that Donny is running is helping to bring democracy and freedom to the Ay-rab world. Ah has spoken. Shazaam!"

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