Kenneth Lay Pleads Ignorance, Stupidity, Alzheimer's

Jul 12 2004 by Ross Bender

Kenneth "Kenny Boy" Lay, former chairman of Enron, was indicted last week on federal charges of fraud and conspiracy surrounding the collapse of the giant energy corporation.

During his perp walk, Lay, who holds a Ph.D. in economics from the University of Houston, told reporters, "This is all way above my head. I really had no idea what was going on."

At his arraignment, the close friend of President Bush and Vice-President "Dick" Cheney entered a plea of "not guilty by reason of stupidity," and in an unusual post-indictment press conference, indicated he may be developing Alzheimer's.

"How dumb could I be?" asked the corporate wizard who built Enron into a multi-billion dollar enterprise. "I mean, to be palling around with the Bush family like I was some desert sheik or something. And don't even ask me about my relationship with "Dick" Cheney - in fact, I forget who the guy is."

In other ignorance news this week, the Senate Intelligence Committee issued a report calling the Central Intelligence Agency "actually pretty stupid. Our conclusion is that the Company really had no idea what was going on in the Middle East for the last twenty years, not to mention Asia, Africa, most of Europe, and Pasadena."

President Bush took the opportunity to point to his total ignorance of the events leading up to the war in Iraq, blaming outgoing CIA director George Tenet for his absolute lack of knowledge of world geography and foreign affairs.

"Weren't my fault," the President stated at the first tee at his Crawford, Texas, miniature golf course. "If the CIA din't know what was going on, how kin anybody blame me? Also, Kenny Boy who?"

In Heaven on Saturday, God the Father blamed the lamentable state of the world on the Holy Ghost. "Famine, pestilence, genocide, AIDS, reality TV - who knew? This stuff is over my head. Folks think I'm omniscient, but heck, I don't even read the newspapers. Frankly, having been around for eternity, I just tend to forget a lot of stuff. Now watch this drive."

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Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite