Bush Dumps Dick; Tags Mary, Jenna for Dual Veep Action

Jul 19 2004 by Ross Bender

In an astonishing but not unexpected move today, George Bush announced his choice of Mary Cheney and Jenna Bush as "twin Vice-Presidents."

This follows the sudden resignation of Vice-President "Dick" Cheney due to his desire to "spend more time with his family." The Vice-President's personal doctor was arrested last week for writing prescriptions for narcotics in another physician's name; he joins Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson in a treatment program at Guantanamo.

Bush, speaking at a press conference in Crawford, Texas, said: "It time for America need new leadership. This here innovatative ticket what Merkuh need today. Jenna twice as young plus four times as cute as John Edwards, plus which Mary she a dyke. But she ain't married. Set an example for all them faggots."

Jenna Bush appeared this week in a lavish spread in Vogue magazine, draped in a strapless, cranberry-colored Oscar de la Renta gown, flashing the familiar Bush leer and waving a Harry Winston bracelet, accessorized with borrowed diamonds from the Halliburton collection. Her twin sister Barbara posed in a strapless, champagne-colored Calvin Klein gown.

Barbara, asked if she was jealous that her sister was picked for the Veep slot, laughed and said, "Dad always liked her best." The Yale graduate plans to help "the starving chilluns in India - Africaland - Beverly Hills - wherever," after completing her European vacation and an MBA at Harvard.

Mary Cheney, contacted at a book signing for the reissue of her mother Lynne's novel "Sisters," a steamy saga of lesbian love in the Old West, said, "Yeah, I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm Republican. I think." Asked if she was disappointed in the President's fanatical support for a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, Cheney quipped, "Nah, Jenna and I will do it in a big tent, on the floor of the convention, anywhere. Like Whoopi says, I'm just glad to get some 'bush'."

Fox News commentator Britney Hume, frothing only slightly, pronounced the ticket "an obvious winner. Not only will the President get two Veeps for one, but the ticket showcases women, diversity, youth, and the working class."

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