James Earl Jones Named CIA Chief

Aug 2 2004 by Ross Bender

The White House today named James Earl Jones as top-secret Interim Director of Central Intelligence. He replaces George Tenet, who resigned as Director in June in order to spend more time with his family.

Mr. Jones is expected to oversee a massive cleanup in the intelligence community following the devastating report of the 9/11 Commission. The Commission Report, the last and final installment of 137 preliminary reports published in serial form on the Internet over the last several months, found severe malfunctions in the performance of the American intelligence community over the last one hundred and fifty years.

Commissioners Thomas Kean and Lee Hamilton announced that the last absolutely precise forecast generated by the various American spy agencies was presented to President James Buchanan in the year 1859. Buchanan was told to expect an American Civil War sometime in the next five years, and history has shown that this prediction was accurate.

The Report itself, which according to the New York Times is written in a "gripping narrative style" resembling a "paperback thriller," immediately soared to the top of the Times' fiction bestseller list. Paramount Pictures has reportedly nailed down the movie rights.

Mr. Jones has had a distinguished career in the military, having played General James Solomon in "Command and Conquer: Tiberian Sun" (1999), and in the CIA itself, having portrayed Admiral James Greer in "Clear and Present Danger" (1994).

In addition, Jones served for many years as the voice of Darth Vader in the popular Star Wars series. He was the voice of Mufasa in the acclaimed "Lion King II: Simba's Pride," and has depicted many prominent American Negroes on television, including Frederick Douglass, the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, and the Angel Gabriel.

President Bush pronounced himself "pleased" with his selection. In a Rose Garden news conference the President said "It a good selection. Only problem is, now I cain't tell the difference tween mah Secretary of State and mah ultra top-secret Interim CIA Director. Know what I mean? They all look like Denzel Washington to me. Heh."

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