U.S. Seeks Coalition, U.N. Aid in Deficit Crunch

Aug 31 2003 by Ross Bender

The Bush administration is reportedly mulling over plans to ask for international assistance in reducing the runaway U.S. deficit which, under the presidency of George W. Bush, has ballooned to approximately 1.3 trillion dollars. "We're seeking a coalition of the willin'," President Bush said. "Our credit card spendin' has got just a little bit out of hand, so we're makin' a generous offer to our European and Asian friends and allies to pitch in and help us out. Of course we would maintain total control of any relief effort, since we are the superpower and we know what we?re doing, unlike those unreliable Frenchies and krauts."

French Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin reacted with disbelief. "Zese lunatics are totally, how you say eet, off ze wall. Zey make a mess, we say let zem clean it up zemselves. Let zem stew in zer own juice, perhaps a nice coq-au-vin." German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder echoed these sentiments: "Ach du lieber! Not only have they upgefukt themselves, now they vant us to chust step in and mop up die spilt Milch."

The Bush neo-con conspiracy has also generously offered the U.N. a chance to send troops to Iraq to die in the place of American GIs and contribute money to the rebuilding effort. American officials are touting their offer as the "light at the end of the tunnel," but are firm in their commitment to keep U.S. generals in overall command of any international force in Iraq.

In other U.N. news, the State Department is considering asking for U.N. peacekeepers to be placed on bridges across the Potomac to prevent armed incursions from Pentagon special-op forces directed by Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld. Secretary of State Colin Powell has denounced as "utterly unacceptable" continuing attacks on State by the Pentagon.

And in the ongoing California recall election, Arnold Schwarzenegger?s campaign is considering requesting U.N. psychiatric peacekeeping forces to mediate between the "old" Schwarzenegger, who reported to Oui magazine in 1977 that his hobbies included group sex, marijuana and hashish, and the "new" Arnold, who "chust cannot recall."

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