Survey: Seniors Jonesing for Canadian Fix

Aug 16 2004 by Ross Bender

A recent survey of 1,200 senior citizens finds overwhelming support among the elderly for drug imports from Canada.

The issue is shaping up as a major battleground in the presidential election. Senator John Kerry "pretty much sort of absolutely" favors drug importation, while President Bush is opposed.

Seniors interviewed in a Seattle nursing home voiced strong approval for the prospective imports.

"Hell yes," said Sadie Brubaker, 86, of Sweet Acres Residence. "Right now, we have to organize a bus trip up to Vancouver every weekend to get all the pot and hashish we require. Only makes sense for the government to allow imports so we don't have to go to all that trouble."

"Ya darn tootin'," echoed Abe Schwarzendruber, 93. "I can get all my prescriptions delivered from the corner drug store to my doorstep, no problem. Except the ones for apomorphine and cocaine. It's a cryin' shame for me to have to make that six hour bus trip chust to go to the damn drug store up in Canada."

However, Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Lester Crawford has warned that terrorists might attack the drug supply if the importation of drugs from Canada were legalized. Crawford said Wednesday that he had been briefed about al-Qaeda plans uncovered during recent arrests and raids. "There's a lot of 'chatter' on the Internet," he stated. "Al Qaeda is watching our senior citizens very closely. No telling what they might do - put LSD in the water supply, put DMT in the dopamine."

A spokesman for Homeland Security also said he was "very worried," although he had no specific information about al-Qaeda threats to the drug supply for Alzheimer's and Parkinson's patients.

President Bush has long opposed drug imports from Canada, favoring the current system of bringing drugs in from Mexico and the Golden Triangle. "Hell, why'd y'all think we went into Afghanisland in the first place? So's we can control the drug supply. Any fool can see that. Although person'ly I just git all the drugs ah need from this doctor that Rush knows, down in Miami. Heh."

Ross Bender's Deadbrains

Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite