Bloomberg Retracts Offer of Hotel Rooms, Jalapeno Poppers for Protestors

Aug 30 2004 by Ross Bender

On the eve of the Republican National Convention, New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has withdrawn offers of free hotel rooms, boat rides on the Circle Line, and jalapeno poppers for peaceful protestors.

"Just kidding!" said the Mayor, whose offer on Jon Stewart's The Daily Show of free goodies for antiwar protestors who promise to be peaceful was expected to draw millions of hippies to New York City during the Republican Convention.

Bloomberg apparently canceled the offers, available to all peaceful protestors via the Internet, when it was learned that Bruce Springsteen and the Dixie Chicks were planning to play round-the-clock concerts on the Circle Line Tour boats around Manhattan. "We have reliable information that the so-called 'Boss' was conspiring to turn up the volume extra-loud as the boats floated along the Hudson past the Convention Zone," said a spokesman for His Honor.

The Convention Zone around Madison Square Garden, venue for the Republican bash, is modeled after the Green Zone in Baghdad, with antiaircraft missiles, Bradley fighting vehicles, and Army Reserve Units from Idaho.

In other convention news, on Wednesday a federal judge denied a permit for anti-Bush rallies in Central Park. The City argued that it needed Central Park for swanky fat-cat banquets at Tavern on the Green, and that the Christian Right would be holding Sunday School picnics and tent revival meetings on the Great Lawn throughout the Convention.

Colin Powell, still reputedly US Secretary of State, is skipping the Convention, warning of a possible "niggah uprising." Powell, traveling in Antarctica, commented that "I was born in Harlem, yo. But even I wanna be elsewhere when them Texas honkeys, I mean Republicans, hit town. The brothers can play rough when they fired up, if you take my meaning."

California Governor and Austrian native Arnold Schwarzenegger, scoffing at such "girlie-man cowardsicherheit" plans to attend. A special Secret Service squad has been dispatched to surround him at all times in order to prevent any random fondling of the ladies of New York, who are reputedly "hot."

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