Condoleezza Rice Seeks to Improve Image, Badunkadonk

Sep 5 2004 by Ross Bender

In an exclusive interview in King Magazine this month, National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice confided that she is seeking to "put on a little weight around the hips" in a bid to improve her image in the black community.

Stung by criticism from some African-American leaders for being a "thinnie," Rice says she is attempting to "widen my booty."

In the eye-opening confidential interview with Queen Latifah at the Republican Convention, Condi stated, at times tearfully, that she "never wanted to be this thin. I hate those White House prayer breakfasts with nothing but half a grapefruit and a margarita.

"And those lunches they feed George - a lettuce leaf and pineapple Jell-O! Really! I know they wanna keep the President in fighting trim, but deep down the man is suffering. He keeps saying he wants to go out for three Big Macs, like Clinton did, but Cheney won't let him. What the man need is a generous helping of fatback and grits. And woman, so do I. I be just dying in my girdle."

Dr. Rice, when pressed about persistent rumors that she is the President's "Monica Lewinsky," collapsed into hearty giggles. "Oh, sista," she said, recovering her breath, "if you only knew. Just between you and me, the Secret Service lugs an inflatable sex doll around with him on the campaign trail. He calls her "Sherrie," for some reason. Listen, honey, if he get re-elected, Laura gonna have a mighty big headache for four more years."

Rice confided that she has had it with being skinny, and occasionally sneaks out for a double order of ribs between Cabinet meetings.

"And it's helping. That ol' badunkadonk getting broader, baby. Just last week I was at a cocktail party rapping with the Russian Ambassador, going on and on about the hectic life I lead, and how no matter how hard I try I'm always a little behind. And that sweet man glanced down at my posterior, winked, and said, 'A *beeg* behind!' I could have kissed him right then and there. Those Russkies are so *gall-ante*!"

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