Dan Rather, the aging anchorman who reportedly suffers from Alzheimer's and syphilis, personally apologized to Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld in a special seven-hour broadcast.
"Our stories about the torture and abuse of prisoners at the Abu Ghraib Rehabilitation Center were totally false," said an abject Rather as he sliced off his remaining testicle.
"The salacious videos of Lynndie England dragging around naked Arabs on a leash were pure propaganda cooked up in the CBS ultra-leftist agitprop studios in downtown Manhattan. There is absolutely no basis to the disgusting reports that noble red-blooded American soldiers tortured Muslim fanatics seeking to destroy our beloved democracy. The so-called 'interrogations' were actually genteel conversations conducted over tea and coffee with a choice of croissant or muffin for our native guests at Abu Ghraib.
"Furthermore," continued Rather as he cut off his left pinkie and began to disembowel himself, "we now have absolute proof that not only did President Bush not shirk his duty during his service in the Texas National Guard, but that he was involved in flying secret prototypes of the space shuttle for NASA during his supposed absence from his National Guard units in Texas and Alabama. We have even discovered videotapes of the President undergoing not one, but seventeen, physical examinations, including rigorous drug tests."
On reports that CBS, the remaining left-wing television network in the U.S., had admitted falsifying news reports in an attempt to mar the President's upcoming victory in the polls, shares in the network's parent company, Viacom, fell to several cents on the New York Stock Exchange. Rupert Murdoch was considering acquiring the discredited broadcaster to add to his empire of fair, balanced and patriotic truth-purveying media organizations.