North Korea Offers Nuke Talks, Cheerleaders

Oct 4 2004 by Ross Bender

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il has offered to open direct talks with the United States concerning his nuclear armaments and other weapons of mass destruction.

In a statement in Pyongyang today, Kim stated: "We are willing to open our nuclear bomb-making facilities to international inspection. In return, we are willing to offer a clack team of our muscular female cheerleaders to monitor the U.S. erections in November. Our dynamic national squad of pom-pom girls is uniquely equipped to keep order and prevent any hanky-panky at the barrot box."

If accepted, the offer would mark the first time that North Korean cheerleaders have supervised elections outside the tiny Stalinist dictatorship.

Reaction to the offer was mixed. President Bush, campaigning in Dread Fork, North Dakota, responded with visible irritation. "Unlike mah opponent, ah acherly been to summits with world cheerleaders. It hard work. Heh."

Senator Kerry, on a five-day wind-surfing campaign tour of Hawaii, said, "Of course, when I am President the very first thing I will do is to convene a summit of the world's cheerleaders. I would welcome immediate bilateral, bilingual and bilabial talks with the North Koreans. Like the former President Kennedy, I will not wilt or waver in a crisis or go limp in the course of heated negotiations."

Thirty-seven nations and NGOs (non-governmental organizations) have already agreed to oversee the American elections in November, after the disputed 2000 race in which many African-Americans were purged from the voter rolls and dead white Europeans voted in their place. The European Union has already successfully monitored elections in Albania, Bosnia and Uzbekistan.

To sweeten the pot, Kim Jong Il offered additional incentives to the Bush Cabinet. "We got whole body massage and traditional Korean browjobs. We got mama-sans and Korean oysters." The North Korean leader, a passionate student of the cinema, also offered to release Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin, who were recently kidnapped to star in the North Korean version of "I Rub Huckabees."

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