Mick Jagger, Keith Richards Investigate Flu Vaccine Shortage

Oct 25 2004 by Ross Bender

Sir Mick Jagger, recently knighted by the Queen of England for unspecified "services to the Crown," will head a commission investigating the mysterious shutdown of the Chiron laboratories in Liverpool, which led to the critical flu vaccine shortage in the US.

The vaccine has abruptly become in short supply in the United States. Under the current distribution system, vials of the drug are distributed in Wal-Marts and Costco stores, but only those over 65 are permitted to stand in line to obtain the drug. Lines at some of the Wal-Marts stretch for several miles, and seniors arrived as early as 1:00am on the day before yesterday to obtain a place in the distribution line.

Even with the emergency rationing plan, many seniors are dropping dead on the spot after having to wait two to three days to obtain the critical medicine. The Canadian border has been closed, as frantic seniors have mobbed border-crossings to obtain the drug from Canadian pharmacies. The vaccine retails for $17 (Canadian) as opposed to as much as $400 in some US supermarkets.

US Drug Czar Dalton Ramsbottom insists that "We planned it this way. See, it's a kind of triage system. When senior citizens drop dead in a 17-hour waiting line, we can tell that they shouldn't have been out there in the first place. Vaccine wouldn't have done 'em any good anyway."

Jagger was chosen by Parliament to lead the investigation because of his many years of experience with pharmaceuticals. Keith Richards, vice chairman of the commission, said that he had personally tried several hundred doses of the current vaccine, for research purposes only, and it didn't have any effect on him. "That's when I started to suspect foul play up in Liverpool."

Sir Mick pointed out that in his 1969 hit song You Can't Always Get What You Want he had uncannily predicted the vaccine shortage of 2004.

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