God Retracts Election Prophecy, Now Foresees Even Odds

Oct 29 2004 by Ross Bender

God retracted his earlier prophecy that George Bush will win in a landslide, and now gives even odds on the November election, Prophet Pat Robertson announced today.

Speaking from his prison cell at Guantanamo Bay, where he is doing time for threatening to blow up the State Department, Robertson said that God was apparently mistaken in his prophecy on January 2nd of this year.

At that time, Robertson announced on his television show, The 700 Club that, "I think George Bush is going to win in a walk. I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election in 2004."

Robertson said he had spent the last days of 2003 praying and fasting about the election. Today, however, the evangelist said that he might have been mistaken due to a serious New Year's Day hangover.

The right-wing loony and TV evangelist also caused a stir this week when he told the nation that he had cautioned Bush against going to war in Iraq. Before the March 2003 invasion, Robertson said that Bush had told him flatly "We're not going to have any casualties."

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan immediately denied that the President had said any such thing. "Actually, what God told the President back in February of 2003 was that we were going to have a 'catastrophic success.' And that's exactly what we've had."

Right-wing loonies are losing ground in the National Lunatic Index and other polls, as more and more evangelicals and commentators are getting into hot water for their outrageous statements.

Bill O'Reilly had to pull his new bestseller, "The O'Reilly Factor for Kids" from bookstore shelves after an appendix to the book was found to advocate masturbation with loofahs and falafels. Jimmy Swaggart, the TV evangelist, had to apologize after making death threats to homosexuals, including the Vice President's daughter Mary Cheney.

According to Robertson, God pointed to the recent Red Sox World Series victory as evidence that miracles could happen, and that they could happen in Boston. Presidential candidate John Kerry is the junior senator from Massachusetts.

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