Opium Futures Up on Kabul Exchange; Rumsfeld Proclaims Victory in Afghan Drug War

Nov 25 2004 by Ross Bender

Secretary of Defense Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld this week proclaimed victory in the Afghan drug war. "Not only have we installed democracy in that backward nation, but we have brought peace and security. Now the opium farmers and drug lords can go about their business without fear of being molested by fanatical Muslim terrorists.

"It's all part of our master strategy," added Rumsfeld, jabbing at the air with his fingers and pirouetting. "We know that all that heroin is going to the 'Old Europe'. We kill two birds with one stone here - preserve freedom and democracy and the free market in Afghanistan, and devastate France and Germany with boatloads of cheap smack."

Asked by reporters whether Osama bin Laden, who is presumed to be hiding somewhere along the eastern border of Afghanistan, might be profiting from the drug trade, Rumsfeld replied, "No way, Jose. We got Osama on the run. He's probably smoking opium down in some spider hole; all we gotta do now is wait till he runs out of the stuff, comes staggering out looking for a fix, and BAM, we got him. We'll smoke him out."

Opium poppy cultivation was up 64 percent last year in Afghanistan, according to a UN survey. Approximately 87 percent of the world's heroin is now produced there, and it accounts for two-thirds of the nation's economy.

Tony Blair, in a recent meeting at the White House, announced that he will be dispatching Sir Mick Jagger to investigate the pharmaceutical situation. Sir Mick and his vice-chairman Keith Richards have successfully solved the mysterious problem of the flu vaccine shortage, and are reportedly eager to take on a new challenge.

"Tony has asked us to check out the nature of the dope coming in from Afghanistan," said Sir Mick. "And to expedite the export trade to the 'Old Europe'."

Keith Richards remarked that part of the team's responsibilities will center on quality control, and that he will be personally involved in overseeing the effort.

"It's a tough job, mate, but somebody's got to do it."

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