Intelligence Revamp Glitch Leaves Nation "Temporarily Stupid"

Nov 29 2004 by Ross Bender

The nation will be vulnerable to a second major terrorist attack due to "temporary stupidity" if Congress continues to delay a major overhaul of the nation's intelligence services, said Thomas Kean, head of the 9/11 Commission, yesterday.

Kean stated on the Fox News show "It's the Arts" that "This bill will pass. The only question, like duuhhh, is whether it will pass now or after a second attack."

The bill to reform the nation's intelligence has been blocked in Congress by two elderly, although technically not-yet-senile, right-wing Congressmen. Jim Sensenbrenner (R-WI) refuses to let the bill out of committee until provisions are attached which would grant drivers' licenses to illegal aliens only if their license photo shows them fully nude, "with, of course, the naughty bits blacked out. Or perhaps if they're wearing pink tutus."

Duncan Hunter (R-CA) contends that the bill will take away the "eyes and ears" of Defense Secretary Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld and leave him "permanently gaga." Rumsfeld, who currently controls 80% of the nation's intelligence, had no comment. Aides said that his fingers became stuck up his nose during a particularly intense recent staff briefing.

At the CIA, new Director Porter Goss has taken the axe to the formidable Directorate of Operations. Unnamed sources say that heads are rolling down the aisles of the nation's premier intelligence agency, although they declined to specify precisely whose heads, and whether any of them are wearing toupees.

CIA stations in Vientiane, Newfoundland, and Dread Fork, North Dakota were reported to be in "utter chaos," with many analysts hiding under their desks and threatening to hold their breath until they turned fuchsia.

The CIA is an offshoot of the WWII Office of Strategic Services, founded by tweedy pipe-smoking Yale men with funny accents on LSD. The Agency's failure to predict the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon forced the July resignation of Director George Tenet. In the years since its founding, the "Company" has also failed to predict the Korean War, the Bay of Pigs fiasco, the Tet offensive, and the rise of Britney Spears.

Ross Bender's Deadbrains

Ross Bender, Crazy Mennonite