Tennessee National Guard Troops Apologize to Rumsfeld; Will Dig Latrines as Penance

Dec 11 2004 by Ross Bender

Tennessee National Guardsmen in Kuwait who asked Secretary of Defense Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld hard questions at a news conference last week have apologized.

Spc. Thomas "Jerry" Wilson, 31, of Nashville, asked the Secretary why troops going into Iraq have no boots or uniforms and have to march across the desert "in our undies."

The unexpected question seemed to surprise Rumsfeld, who threw his hands in the air, jabbed at invisible "pixies," and pirouetted. Pentagon spokesman Larry Di Rita later stated that the Secretary "felt manipulated" by the questions and suspected that unscrupulous reporters had influenced the servicemen to ask embarrassing questions.

"It may not look like it from his tough exterior, but Donny is highly sensitive and his feelings were badly hurt by the rude questions from the troops. That’s why we asked for an apology."

After Di Rita made Rumsfeld’s feelings plain, an entire company of Tennessee National Guardsmen volunteered to dig latrines in the desert for several weeks to demonstrate the depth of their remorse. The Secretary of Defense plans to return to Kuwait after visiting India and Botswana so that each Guardsman can personally kiss his ass.

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