Mel Gibson Tapped For Papacy; J-Lo To Head Fed

Feb 9 2005 by Ross Bender

In his second round of Cabinet nominations, President Bush has announced the appointment of actor and director Mel Gibson to head the Vatican.

"Jerry Falwell and I were sitting around over margaritas and grapefruit at the last White House prayer breakfast," said Bush, "and suddenly God told me to appoint Mel Gibson as Pope. I was considering Donny Rumsfeld he really would of liked to wear those white dresses and that little beanie but God said, 'No way Jose, Mel is a good Cathlick. Plus he made that great movie 'We Heart You Jesus H. Christ'."

The President noted that "Gibson is familiar with my torcher and waterboarding policies" and emphasized that by simply appointing Gibson, America would be spared the expense and bloodshed of sending in the troops to bring freedom and democracy to the Papal States.

Bush also announced the appointment of Jennifer Lopez to head the Federal Reserve Bank as soon as Alan Greenspan poops out.

George Hayashibashi of Pookie and Sebastian Securities commented that "Wall Street needs a big lift, and Jennifer is going to be raising more than interest rates, if you get my drift. Wall Street has always admired the fabulous 'J-Lo Bottom' that classic, smoothly rounded, sensuous curve which indicates things are going up.

"Of course the Fed will still have to meet to approve this nomination, but I can guarantee that in free erections Jen will win hands down. Or up. Whatever. I know Andrea Mitchell badly wanted to take her husband's place, but hell, she's just an aging trophy wife and the guys down on the floor of the Stock Exchange are all for J-Lo."

During Bush's second term, the Vatican will become a Cabinet-level department, as will the United Nations. In another surprise move, the President announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the next Secretary General of the UN, "after Coffee Nana drags his sorry old ass back to Zambeezistan."

Other Presidential appointments included Rush Limbaugh as ambassador to the moon and Brad Pitt as special envoy to the Maldive Islands.

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