New Fed Head Warns Against "Primatizing" Social Security

Mar 4 2005 by Ross Bender

Jennifer Lopez, new acting Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, said in testimony before the House Ways and Means Committee today that "primatizing Social Security might be a bad thing."

The barely literate pop diva, interim Fed chairman until Alan Greenspan poops out, hesitated to directly criticize President Bush's initiative to gut the New Deal, but warned that budget deficits were "like, getting way out of hand." In typically cryptic language, Lopez hinted that the Fed might try to keep interest rates low, saying "Ima always hold you down."

The sultry Fed Chairman appeared before the Congressional committee wearing a fox fur poncho featuring dangling baby fox skulls. Enraged protestors from the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) demonstrated outside the Capitol building and attempted to spray red liquid over Lopez as she exited the hearing room, blowing kisses and shaking her booty at the angry crowd. Police kept demonstrators at a distance and made two arrests.

Lopez has been criticized in some quarters for her blatant use of animal skins, some of them still alive, in her music videos and in her new fashion line "Furface."

PETA spokesperson Dawn Carr told reporters that "The amount of fur J-Lo has worn recently and now uses in her clothing line shows she is blind to the horrific cruelty of the fur industry. We've been trying to show her why the fur trade is so like totally evil, but she just like blows us off. I am SO pissed."

George Hayashibashi, investment analyst for Pookie and Sebastian Securities, noted that J-Lo's testimony was ambiguous. "She might be saying the Fed prans to keep interest lates down, but on the other hand maybe she's saying it wants to hold down infration. We just have to wait and see. At any late, I personarry am advising investors to get into dead animals in a big way. Plimates, foxes, minks, whatever. If J-Ro's into it, Ima inna it."

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