The $100,000-a-plate Republican fundraiser will feature a white-tie dinner at the White House and midnight fireworks at the Pentagon. In the afternoon the President will parachute out of an F-16 fighter jet onto the deck of the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln in the Potomac River. All proceeds from the dinner will go to the Tom DeLay Defense Fund.
The gleeful President said, "This here bash will highlight for all the world to see that freedom is on the march and the evildoers are on the run. Afghanistan is back up and running and now boasts the largest heroin production of any country in the free world. That's the magic of the market at work. Plus which the nation is administered by freely elected drug lords. Also due to my policies, large parts of Iraq are now controlled by Shiite clerics from Iran."
Donald "Napoleon" Rumsfeld, standing with the President in a special Rose Garden press conference, added: "We've got most of the 8-12 year old evildoers in Iraq locked up in Abu Ghraib. My Pentagon special report has cleared me of any responsibility for so-called torture. And we've only had 1,512 American troops killed and 11,220 wounded, which is a bargain compared to what we had to spend to win in Vietnam."
Complete details of the gala event have not yet been announced, although unnamed sources said that after-dinner entertainment will feature a hilarious spoof on the Iraq war in the Oval Office. The President himself will give a repeat performance of his side-splitting skit in which he crawls around his office looking for weapons of mass destruction.
Also on the bill are a mock interrogation by Lynndie England in which Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia plays the part of an Iraqi prisoner and masturbates for the cameras. In a concluding ceremony, all 550 prisoners remaining at Guantanamo, flown in by charter jet, perform "ethnic" folk dances in their orange jumpsuits.