Dem Senators Lambast New Fed Head Jennifer Lopez

Mar 17 2005 by Ross Bender

In testimony before the Senate Committee on Senility and Incontinence today, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) severely dissed the new Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board, Jennifer Lopez. Lopez is serving as interim Chairman until former Fed Head Alan Greenspan, 97, officially poops out. Greenspan currently resides in the Alzheimer's Unit at Walter Reed Army Hospital.

Lopez defended her predecessor's support for the deep tax cuts made by President Bush in 2001, which turned the Clinton budget surplus into astronomical deficits. Challenged by Senator Clinton, who observed that Greenspan had "really blown the locks off the lock-boxes," Lopez responded with some heat.

"You old bitch," stated Lopez, "I bet your baggy old lockbox is big enough for the whole Senate Armed Services Committee to crawl into, chica. Jist because you going through like an extended menopause ain't no reason for you to get uppity with me, maricon. You come over here and kiss my furry bender, puta!"

The Senator responded, with some asperity, that the Chairman must have learned her English in a Mexican cathouse, at which point Lopez dropped her leather trousers, turned, and mooned the Senator.

"Right here, bitch," stated Lopez, slapping her ample bottom for emphasis. "Kiss my bender, bitch!"

After the Fed Chairman pulled up her pants and downed several margaritas, she observed philosophically that, after all, no one could have predicted the extraordinarily huge and cataclysmic deficits triggered by the Bush tax cuts.

"All of us were wrong," she pointed out.

At this point Senator Clinton threw her lipstick compact at the Chairman, saying, "SOME of us were wrong, bitch."

Harry Reid, the soft-spoken Senate Minority Leader, intervened, asking politely that "the Honorable ladies calm down." He noted that, "To be fair, Lopez is a partisan hack just like Greenspan, although much much better looking."

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