High Court Orders Tom DeLay's Feeding Tube Removed

Mar 22 2005 by Ross Bender

In a surprise 8-1 decision today, the United States Supreme Court ordered that the feeding tube which has been keeping Tom DeLay (R-TX) alive be removed.

Writing for the majority, Justice Antonin Scalia stated that "there is absolutely no hope that the Congressman will ever regain cognitive function. It's embarrassing to have the guy flopping around the House of Representatives in his vegetative state. This Court is doing him and the whole Republican Party a favor by yanking the tube."

Congressman DeLay entered a coma approximately seven months ago and has been kept alive by a tube which delivers water and nutrients to his braindead body. DeLay has caused something of a spectacle in the US Capitol building, attracting howling mobs of frenzied fundamentalists who bang their heads against the floor and flagellate themselves in their appeal to God to bring the Congressman back to life.

US Marshals have been working overtime to control the spectators who come to pray with the Congressman, and now only registered Fundamentalists with certified fatwas from Pat Robertson are allowed near the body. Mel Gibson was recently arrested when he tried to break through the cordons to "pray with DeLay."

The Republican-dominated House Ethics Committee passed a special bill last month which would allow the popular Texas Congressman to keep his seat in the House of Representatives even after he is officially declared dead. Democratic Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has complained bitterly that the Republicans "already have enough braindead members in their delegation; now they apparently want stinking corpses to keep their seats too."

Chief Justice William Rehnquist was the only dissent in the 8-1 decision, apparently since he had some "apprehension" about whether the Court would also decide to remove his own feeding tube.

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