Bono "Pissed" At Losing World Bank Slot to Paul Wolfowitz

Mar 29 2005 by Ross Bender

Bono, Irish frontman of the rock band U2, is reportedly "[expletive deleted] disappointed" at losing out to Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz in the nominations to head the World Bank.

The excessively hip rock star, 44, famed for his wraparound sunglasses, and the only musician in history to be nominated for an Oscar, a Grammy, a Golden Globe, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Nobel Peace Prize and the Congressional Medal of Honor, was said to be taking medication for depression at his third-world-chic mansion in the Maldives.

Wolfowitz, the son of an Ivy League probability statistics professor, seems to be a shoo-in for the coveted World Bank spot despite opposition from Jacques Chirac and the French Second Empire. Chirac described the Deputy Secretary as "un slob et imbecible indescriptible" in a press conference in Rheims yesterday, indicating that the French may perform a parliamentary maneuver known as a "filibustier" or perhaps even "une huître de Vienne" (Viennese Oyster) to block European approval of the nomination.

Chirac pointed to Wolfowitz's performance in the movie Fahrenheit 9/11, where Wolfowitz pulled out a comb, spat upon it, then pulled it through his hair, leering.

President George Bush passed over Bono in nominating Wolfowitz after the Family Research Council complained that the hip rock star and poverty analyst had used the "F-word" on television upon accepting his Golden Globe in January 2003. Even though the Federal Communications Commission declined to prosecute Bono for his "slip," Bush stated that he wanted somebody at the World Bank who could "mind his damn p's and q's and not embarrass America before the world with his awful grammar."

Wolfowitz, a leading neo-conservative and architect of the Iraq War, said he was ready to take on the challenge of "disciplining" impoverished countries as head of the World Bank.

However, recent rumors that the Deputy Secretary, a recent divorcee, is "romantically linked" with Shaha Ali Riza, a Senior Gender Specialist at the Tunisian branch of al-Qaeda, may put the nomination in jeopardy, at least until President Bush has had a chance to review the videotapes.

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