Billy Bob Thornton Blasts Activist Judges

Apr 7 2005 by Ross Bender

On the floor of the Senate yesterday, Senator Billy Bob Thornton (R-TX) condemned what he called "meddling activist judges in the Federal Judiciary." In a 45-minute rant punctuated by swigs on a bottle of Jack Daniels, the obscure Republican stated that "them thar varmints oughtta be took out and shot like prairie dogs. Them hornswogglers got no respect for the culture of human life."

In his speech, Thornton repeatedly sobbed as he recounted how Florida judges had refused, "against the will of our Texas President George Bush, mah good friend and Texan Tom DeLay, and all the right-thinking people of the Republic of Texas" to reinsert Terry Schiavo's feeding tube.

Toppling to the floor of the Senate as he punched the air in the general direction of Democratic Minority Leader Harry "Milquetoast" Reid of Nevada, the Texas Senator used the Cheney word several times, and a few other obscenities in addition.

After he struggled to his feet, he emptied the bottle and threw it at Senator John Kerry (D-MA). Then he continued, more reflectively:

"I beat the crap out of a coupla federal judges the other day. First thing constructive I done in a long time."

The Republican Congressional Majority is actively campaigning to have all federal judges recalled and reviewed to see whether they believe in the Ten Commandments and Creationism. Those that do not would be sent to a special penitentiary in Guantanamo Bay for several years of "scripture knowledge training" under the instruction of Pat Robertson and Tim LaHaye, author of the popular "Left Behind" series.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist of Tennessee is attempting to change the rules of the Senate to prevent filibusters, so that "God-fearing judges can be appointed to the bench without any interference from pagan New Age Democrats." He did, however, observe that "in all fairness, Billy Bob probably ought not to bring his bottle along to official Senate proceedings. Also, he might want to reconsider his prolific use of the Cheney word."

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